(Open scene.  Heroine ducking out of business meeting at Large Corporate Telecom and running to parking lot.  A hot wind blows.  Heroine gets in Ridiculously Large Vehicle and drives onto interstate.)

Beloved:  "Hello?" (on phone)

Me:  "So I just stay on 435 and take 70 west?  Are you sure that's how I get to the school?  Are you SURE?  I'm really late."

Beloved:  "Yes, I'm sure.  Stop panicking."

Me:  "I always panic on the first day of class. You know that."  (Heroine angrily hangs up.  Rustles through purse.  Dials phone again.)

Beloved:  "Hello?" (little angel wailing in the background)

Me:  "I can't find my classroom keys!  I won't be able to get to my mailbox!  ALL IS LOST!"

Beloved:  "Calm down. It's the first week of class. I'm sure the office is still open."

Me:  "I knew I should've driven there last week!  I'm an IDIOT."

Beloved:  "Well, you got me there."

(Heroine punches the gas and speeds to the school, rushing in to the office.  Dean is still there (que horor) plus lovely and wonderful administrative assistant, who bestows a new set of keys on the heroine.  Heroine rushes up to classroom, looks in purse for new keys, which have now disappeared.)

Me:  "What the HELL?" 

(Heroine discovers large hole in the lining of her T.J. Maxx two-seasons-old purse.  Heroine discovers both sets of keys.  Tra la!)

Me:  "Ha, ha.  I guess I should buy a new purse, eh?"

Student 1:  "Do we get a smoke break?"

There are twenty of them.  TWENTY OF THEM!  Hopefully I scared off at least four last night.