Okay, I just was eating my lunch and found the clip of Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch.  Oh. My. God.  Following is my interpretation of Oprah's lawyer's response, to be sung to the tune of "My Darling Clemintine."

Dear Mr. Cruise:

Thank you for appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show.  Your patronage is always appreciated, and your boost to our ratings frequently enables our stockholders an extra hour on the speedboat at Martha's Vineyard.

However, your recent behavior violates section 34.5 of the Oprah Winfrey Code.  People do not hug Oprah. Oprah hugs people.  I know you say you are just "a hugger," but that is sort of like saying the Pope is just "a Catholic."  You almost crushed poor Oprah. After her recent weight loss, she is frail, like Kate Moss. She cannot sustain such crushing fanaticism.

Another issue:  the leather couches.  Attached please find a bill for $6,754.32 to replace the couch on which you jumped to show your vociferous love for Katie Holmes.  Oh, I mean Kate Holmes. We forgot you changed her name already. Soon she will be Kate Cruise, and no one will know or care who she is.  No one but you. Sort of like Mimi Rogers.  Oh, but we shoot below the belt sometimes. We are lawyers. That's our job.

Tom.  TOM!  Why are you making us write you this letter?  We love you.  However, we have been forced to contact your closet psychiatrist, who said he will immediately up your dosage.  Your rep has denied the dosage, but who but a complete FUCKING CRAZY FREAK would jump on the couches and try to crush Oprah because they are marrying someone they could have fathered?  Even Hugh Hefner knows how to hold his glee that women half his age will still sleep with him.  She even knows you had braces.  We all know, Tom.  WE ALL KNOW.

Oprah is upset with us. She planned to invite you back on to talk about War of the Worlds, but now she's afraid you'll use the air time to claim she knows nothing about being black, or something equally akin to claiming to intimately understand postpartum depression when you are a BOY, Tom.  You are a boy.

Please make the check out to Harpo Productions.  The address is on the back.  Good luck with that Scientology thing.

Sincerely,

David Orrton

Attorney

Harpo Productions