I married Clark from Christmas Vacation.  He likes itineraries.  He fixes the newel post with a chainsaw.  And every year, he dresses up as Santa Claus so that we can drink with twenty or so of our closest friends and familiar strangers.

Two years ago, he bought me a leather skirt.  Not because I like leather skirts, mind you - it took me until I turned 30 to even think about buying a leather jacket.  For some reason, I put leather jackets in the same category as huge engagement rings and wearing eyeliner to football games - just too damn high-maintenance.  But my beloved, he insisted it would bring something to our marriage.  I'm still trying to figure out what that something is, because after I wore it to Santa Pub Crawl, I got a wicked cold I'm still fighting and never cashed in on my leather-encased booty.

We are leaving tomorrow for Lawler, Iowa, population 450, to get together with five out of the nine families that comprise my husband's extended nuclear.  My mother-in-law happened to mention that Santa was not coming to Lawler on Saturday as planned, oh, so too bad for all the grandkids.  I foolishly mentioned that my beloved not only owned a full Santa suit - oh, no - this year he also purchased a fake belly.  So now we are hauling the suit along with a monster tub of hand-me-downs, the camera, video camera, toys for the car, extra food in case the little angel remains picky (tonight was a Food Showdown that ended with me crying for mercy and offering beans-and-wieners), the Pack-n-Play, sheets for the Pack-n-Play, Tad, Gray Kitty, Pink Bear, African-American Cabbage Patch Kid (mine from my not culturally diverse childhood), bedtime books, clothes, medicine for the little angel and me, clothes and boots for all three of us to go sledding, 1.5 liter bottle of wine (my Survivor luxury item), portable booster seat, diapers, diaper bag, extra sippy cups and myriad other kitchen-sink-type items.  It's a good thing we drive a Ridiculously Large Vehicle for our three-person brood.

The first year we did Santa Pub Crawl I dressed as the elf from A Christmas Story. HO HO HO.  The second year I reeled it back in with jeans and a turtleneck.  The third year, I was pregnant and introduced the famous Jingle Bell Necklaces.  Last year, I got a little crazy and wore a frisky tank top in December.  This year, the leather.

Yeah, baby.  That's me - Mrs. Claus, if you're nasty.