Saying No
The other day, the Parents As Teachers lady was over here. We were talking about the wonders of reality television as it applies to parenting.
Normally, I'm not a huge fan of reality television. I don't enjoy watching people argue as a sport. However, when it comes to parenting, there's nothing like a little reality television to show you just what will happen if you don't learn to say no to your children, and fast.
I watch Supernanny on a pretty regular basis, and not for the parenting tips. I watch it to make myself feel better. I know, I'm horrible, but it makes me feel vindicated to realize for all my foibles, at least my little angel is not a complete basket case, and while most of that can be attributed to her sweet temperament, a lot of it can be attributed to the great parenting my beloved and I received - parenting that taught us, in turn, how to be good parents.
Last night on DVR I watched this episode of Oprah. It was talking about how angry kids are today, and how overindulging them can make them even angrier. Why? Because kids need boundaries.
The other day I talked about the video recently discovered of toddlers smoking pot. Obviously, the parents of those two teenaged boys failed them. And in failing them, they failed those little children. Failing your children extends beyond just the children themselves - you in turn fail everyone those selfish children come into contact with when they become adults.
On the flip side, good parenting also extends beyond your own children. I don't take a lot of credit for the parenting I give the little angel. Sure, I read the books and try to be patient and all that, but I owe my parenting skills to my parents, my aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends. Long before I was a parent, I watched others parent their children, and I paid attention. During that conversation with the Parents As Teachers lady, I realized that watching my friends before I became a parent gave me a framework. I remember hearing my friend A. talk to her daughter when her daughter was the little angel's age, and being amazed at how softly she talked, how she addressed her daughter as a human being, not a toddler. I borrowed that style and have often been complimented on the little angel's vocabulary. Wasn't my idea - I totally stole that from A. Lesson: you CAN treat your child with dignity and talk to them in a normal tone of voice from birth, and they will still enjoy childhood.
After the little angel was born, I did find myself gravitating toward other friends of mine who had similar parenting styles, and this has been so important to me. Having friends who also believe in time outs, limiting presents, respecting naptime and bedtime, reading books and playing outside and making your child say "please" and "thank you" reinforces my good habits. Having friends who also believe in adult time, good wine, the right to take a vacation without your children, respecting the choice to work for pay or not work for pay and bubble baths keeps me from turning into an uptight wench of a parent who doesn't pay any attention to her own needs.
We parents are not saints. Sanbreakity pointed out in response to my post that not all parents are disgusted by their own bad behavior. I knew that, but it was hard to really let it sink in. Everyone gets frustrated, and it's not evil to wish the whining child would just stop, to want to give the child whatever so they will just shut up already. It's hard to be patient at the end of a long day after you've had your hair pulled by a toddler or been peed on by a potty-training preschooler. It sucks to have your beautiful house ruined by pitter-pattering little feet. I mourned the loss of my freedom well into the second year of the little angel's life. It made me very angry to have to be so responsible for someone else initially. This parenting thing is fucking hard.
And that's why we really have to take advantage of the lessons floating around out there - in cyberspace, on television, and in the good examples of our friends and family. It's easier when you realize that other people do this, too. You're not alone.
My own mother is always saying she wasn't a good parent, or she wishes she would've done things differently, not gotten angry, blah, blah, blah. Sure, she got mad. Sure, spanking was more popular back then. It is obvious to me in my instincts with the little angel, though, that my parents did a bang-up job of parenting - otherwise I wouldn't know how to do it. My daughter is doing great, and I owe a lot of that to the examples set by those around me. And that's why I didn't let the little angel play with the candy necklaces I bought for my mom, her and me to play with this weekend. She won't die if I say no, and I know that. Thank the good Lord I know that.