Attending the Cardio Party

My friend S. has been dieting for quite awhile now.  She looks great.  Part of her regimen includes a workout called the Cardio Party that is Guaranteed! To! Burn! Up! To! One! Thousand! Calories!

Since we were trapped indoors at the lake on Saturday, we four girls decided to attend the Cardio Party.  The invitations looked nice.  And, because the only other thing we were doing inside all day was washing down Oreos and Cheese Puffs with boxed wine, it seemed like a prudent thing to do.

Before we started the Cardio Party, there was a lengthy discussion of the Mushroom Phenomenon.  The "mushroom" refers to the area of fat that hangs over one's bikini bottoms or underwear on the sides, creating a mushroom effect.  A man would call it love handles.  I've also heard this fat referred to a "muffin top," which seems a little more endearing to me.  If you're going to comment on my fat, at least be cute about it.

We compared muffin tops and decided to bump the Cardio Party up to the top level.

Big mistake.

The workout wasn't bad in terms of all the workouts I've ever done, but joining the Cardio Party after two kickboxing-free years ensured I would walk like the protagonist in March of the Penguins for the rest of the day, barely able to raise my foot higher than twelve inches.  There was some cursing involved, usually directed at the hostess of the Cardio Party, who told us at the beginning of the DVD that she's birthed two children, recently, and insisted we were having fun. Bitch.

After about forty minutes of huffing and puffing and kicking and punching and doing some scary thing called "The Wheel" that simulated King Kong eating New York, we collapsed on the floor.  I dragged myself outside into the freezing June air and looked longingly at the normally warm lake, which at the time featured rain blowing off its little whitecaps.  A few geese, confused by the winter in June, huddled under the boat dock.  Then I heard the little angel wailing herself awake from a nap that lasted exactly the length of the Cardio Party.

So I did what any responsible adult would do.  I tapped the box of wine.