Prepping to Vacation With Childless People

The end of Operation Single Parent is at hand.  This afternoon I pack up the little angel, my suitcase, my beloved's suitcase, the little angel's suitcase, the little angel's inflatable bed, pillows for everyone, Tad the Singing Frog, Slugger, books, coloring books, stickers, toys, an inflatable swimming pool, 64 bottles of water and various other accouterments to pick up my beloved and join six friends, two of them single and childless, for a weekend at a lake.

It's supposed to be 62 degrees and raining on Saturday.

We were supposed to have twelve adults.  One of my friends, who is 32 weeks pregnant, woke the other morning to find her water broke. She's on bed rest in the hospital (props to K. - she's such a trooper).  I would be a LOT more worried, except the exact same thing happened with her first pregnancy, and that child is now a robust three-year-old. Needless to say, she's not coming.

Another friend had to bail because she found a new apartment in DC and has to move this weekend.  Dammit.

Another friend decided it wasn't worth it to drive thirteen hours round-trip to a lake house if it was going to be raining.  WTF?

So, we've dwindled a bit.  My single friends are now preparing to pick up cabana boys.  I'm not too worried about spending two days with this group even if we are stuck inside, because the people involved have a high tolerance for two-year-olds and I have promised myself I will do the following things.

Parent Rules:

• I will remove all the batteries from the toys that make noise.
• I will bring a protective sheet for the table and washable crayons.
• I will bring a portable DVD player so the main television is not taken over by Thomas, Nemo or any other animated character.
• I will put all used diapers in a trash can outside.  I will resist the urge to change the little angel's poopy diaper in front of other people, especially if they are eating fudge.
• I will not discuss my child's bodily functions.
• I will have at least one conversation per day in which my attention is not diverted the entire time (since beloved will be there).
• I will not inquire into their childbearing or marital plans.
• I will not read Parenting magazine. I already went to the drugstore for US Weekly and The Devil Wears Prada. 
• I will not lament the cost of babysitters or daycare.
• I will not sing The Wheels on the Bus during drinking games.
• I will not insist they talk to my daughter on the phone on the way there.
• I will not leave her in their care while I go skinny dipping (unless they ask).

I'm more aware of these rules since I've been talking to the Editor Across the Aisle about parents v. nonparents in the game of friendship.  I was well aware of the rules BEFORE I became a parent, just as I was judgmental of those horrible parents yelling at their children in the grocery store and letting them eat ice cream for breakfast.  The nerve of those people, I thought. I WILL NEVER BECOME THEM.

Ha.

But as I became them, I forgot the rules.  I changed my newborn's poopy diaper on my best friend's brand-new, marble kitchen counter.  I ask people if they want to talk to my daughter on the phone all the time.  While pregnant, I bitched incessantly about being pregnant.  I now have to remind myself that not everyone wants to hear every blessed detail about My Life As A Parent. 

However, I will, of course, expect the childless people (and I know these two in particular will be FINE) to follow the Childless People Rules:

• They will not expect my two-year-old to be well-behaved at all times.
• They will not expect her to chew with her mouth closed or eat healthy foods.
• They will not expect her to remain a happy girl after her bedtime or stay up partying until midnight at the dinner location of their choice.
• They will not expect my full attention when the little angel is near sharp corners, open water or small animals.
• They will not tell stories of how bad other parents are when I do the same things in their presence.
• They will respect my child's need for naps and excuse us from activities that take place during those naps.
• They will not encourage me to drug my child so that she will go to sleep.
• They will place breakable objects, pointy things, beer cans and medicine on high shelves or counter tops and not right on the damn floor.

I know, I know - I was blissfully unaware of the Childless People Rules when I was childless. But I'm hyper-aware of the Parent Rules and do make an honest effort to follow them. The world would be a better place if we could all respect each other's situations, regardless of what they are.  So I'm off to vacation - let you know how it goes next week!