Finally With the Virginity Discussion

Okay, let's revisit this. Last week, I commented on some points one of my students made about virginity and whether or not protecting it is necessarily a good thing.  This inspired some thoughtful commentary both on- and offline.  In fact, my friend Cagey and I ended up talking about it for a while at lunch on Saturday.

While I don't want to go too far into what she said (because that is her commentary, not mine), one of her central tenets involved Sex and the City.  She said it hasn't done anything for thirtysomething women.  She also said that she knows several people who have clung to their virginity until marriage (or they intend to) and it hasn't negatively impacted them in any way.

This is in line with the comment Carrien made - she felt it would be a mistake to advocate sleeping around.  In response to these comments, I realized I hadn't probably been clear with my opinion.  I also realized that this is a really interesting and important conversation, and I think we should discuss it further.

Here's my position (Ma, stop reading now):  I played the field.  And I was on the JV squad, in training very early, earlier than I would EVER want the little angel to be in training.  My student's position was that playing the field exposes a person to the fact that hot sex alone can't carry a relationship if the love and trust isn't there, thereby enhancing the value of love and trust even when, inevitably, the passions cool over the course of time.  I'm sure there's at least someone out there in cyberspace who will try to convince me they're still having hot sex twenty years into their marriage, and I'll believe them, but I won't believe they've had consistently hot sex for twenty years. My guess is that the passion ebbs and flows, spiking after a long separation, a near-death experience, a huge fight or a fabulous, margarita-drenched vacation.  It ebbs when you're tired, overworked, up late with small children, sick, worried about an aging parent or sick child, feeling unattractive or unfilled professionally or emotionally or just plain bored. 

Scientists discovered recently that the chemical reaction that causes romantic electricity lasts about a year.  After that, it's just like drugs - you need more and more to get the same high. Unfortunately, at the same time, you know your partner better and there are fewer new discoveries to elicit that chemical reaction.  My point, then, about the virginity thing - I feel better knowing that just because I had an amazing chemical reaction with other men doesn't mean they were right for me.  I didn't choose to marry my beloved purely 100 percent on physical attraction, though it's there.  And I don't think we need to get divorced if a month goes by without a quickie.  And yes, we have a toddler - they are all quickies.  True love is about more than the sex, but if you've never had the sex with people you didn't love, is it more likely you would mistake a new physical attraction for love?  Might you think, perhaps, you'd perhaps chosen wrong - how could you possibly be attracted to someone else?

I know that I can tell these things to the little angel.  I hope that she listens and holds on to her virginity until she meets a boy or man whom she loves and trusts completely.  I do believe premarital sex is considered to be a sin by my church.  I also believe lying is considered to be a sin by my church - my point on religion is that our American culture seems to weigh sex as worse than violent crime, and I have a huge issue with that.  Sin is sin, and if you believe in grace, you also believe it is not through good works that you are saved, but that we're all human fuck-ups and without grace, we'd be dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight, bar none.  Bar none.

So let's talk about sex, and what can be learned from it.  Can these lessons be taught without experience?  Or is the experience more detrimental than the learning that might come from it?  I don't claim to have the answers.  I only know what I learned from my own experiences.  I certainly will never encourage the little angel to have empty, Samantha-style sex - animal sex.  However, I don't know that I would necessarily be broken hearted if she loved and lost only to learn.