Back In the Saddle

Yesterday was my first day back in a real office, with real cubes, real dusty, germ-ridden telephones and real public restrooms.  I was of two minds all day.  On the one side, it was so nice to see all of my old friends!  Other working mamas!  But on the other side, I missed bitterly the extra hour and a half I used to have with the little angel.  There used to be no frantic rush in the morning to get both of us dressed at the EXACT SAME TIME, no little angel being last at pick-up because it takes Mama 85 years to unentangle herself from the construction site that is downtown Kansas City to get back to pick her up.  I resented having to do Pilates with the little angel begging for my attention, tossing dirty laundry willy-nilly around the living room. 

I resented the fact that my beloved didn't get home until an hour after I picked her up. 

I resented being back in an office, any office, but particularly that office so much that when the little angel accidentally head-butted me while we were playing Tent downstairs that I burst into tears that took me about ten minutes from which to recover.  I'm not sure why I was crying, but I think losing my angel time was part of it.  I was so tired yesterday - the little angel was up from one to two-thirty in the morning on Sunday night, and I with her - and so confused about how I was feeling and whether I was scared the contract ended in 90 days or relieved it did - and what will I do next?  I have no idea what I will do next.  All of it has been weighing heavily lately.

I went to bed early last night, and the little angel mercifully let us sleep until the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning.  I'm hoping to have an improved attitude today.  I feel sort of like a spectator in my own life right now.  I'm also hoping that changes.