Top Ten Things That Disqualify Me As a Soccer Mom

Here are my top ten:

10. I can't stand hot dogs, and I must look away when the little angel consumes them. Lips and assholes, people, lips and assholes.

9. I'm not a huge fan of glitter. Glitter seems to cover most objects intended for little girls between the ages of five and ten.  I'm not looking forward to all this garishness. WHAT IS UP WITH THE GLITTER?

8. I don't understand the big deal about Gymboree.  And what a dumb name.

7. I am not looking forward to soccer, t-ball, Little League, basketball or any other sport the little angel chooses to play. She will probably play one or all of them, since her father used to be radio sports director for an Iowa radio station and lives and breathes S-P-O-R-T-S.  I secretly hope for her to be uncoordinated and therefore reduced to a life of drama, dance lessons and maybe Mommy and Me sculpting classes.

6. Looking back at the carseat, stroller, portable child seat and diaper bag in my back seat sometimes makes me feel like a pack animal.  I miss public transportation and the ability to read a book while traveling.

5. Not a fan of the primary-colored plastic toys.  Is it so hard to design something for toddlers in oh, ecru?

4. I can't handle the foul and mysterious odor that frequently invades my living space when the milk cup goes undiscovered for a day.

3. Another pet peeve?  Broken crayons and toys that come with more than four parts.

2. I grow weary by having to applaud every time my child sleeps until at least four in the morning, eats a meal without throwing half of it at the cat or manages to keep her fingers out of my ears when I'm dressing her.

1.  I take offense to the Wiggles on behalf of drag queens across America.

Lest you think I'm horrible, there is also another top ten list.

10. Little feet in blinky shoes.

9.  Seeing the little tufts of red hair on the floor after the little angel gets a haircut and thinking of all the good times we had while she was growing that hair.

8.  When the little angel points out the moon every afternoon when I pick her up from the Emerald City.

7.  Her insistence that she color every other minute that she is home, always with two coloring books to increase the coloring options.

6. The way she kisses all her bath toys good night and counts to ten in English and Spanish when it's time to get out of the bathtub.

5. Getting notes from her daycare teachers saying what a big girl she has become.

4. Seeing her show empathy to her posse when one of them gets hurt.

3. The expression on my family and extended family's faces when she walks into a room.

2. The expression on her face when I walk into the room.

1.  The smell of her perfect little head after a shampoo.  If we could bottle that, people, we could stop wars.