A Chapter on Sleep
There are many different kinds of sleep deprivation. I'll chronicle a few here from my latest book on the subject (that I wish I'd written, but I was too tired):
1) Alcohol-induced. Typically occurs following a night you spent partying when you knew damn well you had to get up early to see your grandmother, go to work or graduate from college. Usually accompanied by a hangover, this type can be eliminated by simply going to bed early the next day or napping after whatever you had to do at 7 a.m. ends. Sympathy level: 1 Pillow.
2) Insomnia-related. Sometimes, you just can't sleep during the night because your feverish brain is cataloging the Internet, creating voodoo dolls for your boss or worrying you may never, ever get married and have a family. Sleep often comes along like a freight train about an hour before you have to get up for the day. You wake by force and feel shitty and groggy until about noon. Sleep aids and caffeine avoidance (and sometimes a good therapist) can help alleviate this type. Sympathy level: 4 Pillows.
3) The love bug. You're having so much hot sex you don't have time for sleep. Waking is not an issue, because there can be more sex. You're carried through the day by adrenaline and the thought of yet more sex. Sex, sex. You're in love. We all hate you. Sympathy level: 1 Pillow.
4) New-baby-induced. The child, he eats every hour and a half. And you, poor woman, are the bottle. You were not expecting this level of crazy. You drag yourself, however, almost cheerfully out of bed every hour and a half, because you are so damn happy the baby is still alive - you never thought it possible! - and you are still sort of medicated with some good narcotic shit they gave you in the hospital. Sometimes this type can be combined with #2, and this is a very bad thing. However, most of society expects you will be in this condition and you are usually not required to go to the office, both GOOD THINGS. Sympathy level: 5 Pillows.
5) Toddler-induced. Sometimes the toddler will successfully sleep through the night for months on end as a baby, lulling you into a sense of false security that you have birthed an Angel Baby, a good sleeper. Then, inexplicably, the toddler begins waking up every hour on the hour every few weeks for no reason at all. The child is not sick. The child is not in pain. The child is not hungry. The child is just awake and crying, and you sort of want to move next door so that you do not have to listen anymore. You no longer care that the child is flesh of your flesh or even cute, you just want the child to go hibernate for a few years so that you can catch up on your sleep. Everyone expects that you would've Ferbered your child into sleeping by now, so you must therefore be doing something wrong to bring this wrath of nonsleep upon yourself. Oh, and you're back at work and have been for over a year. Sympathy level: 1 Pillow.
Yes, you guessed it. The little angel woke up three times on Saturday night and at 1, 2:30, 4 and 5 last night. Each time, we followed the Ferber practice. Wait five minutes, go in, pat head, no eye contact, no talking, leave. Wait 15 minutes and repeat. By 5, we waited 45 MINUTES before going in. I snatched her out of the Crib of Hell and took her downstairs for some milk. She drank the milk and passed out like someone suffering from Type 1, though I think she may have insomniac tendencies. Oh, Dave Attell, can you take the little angel along with you on your next tour? Because damn it, cute and all, I want her to move out for a few days.