The Little Angel's Adventures in Oz

I have long known that people don't read. Ask the average American the last book he or she read, and you will most likely get a confused response followed by the title of one of High School's Greatest Hits. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get a Danielle Steele freak. And for packaging, the same holds true. Maybe people read the cereal box in the morning, maybe they don't. Incessant legal disclaimers have brainwashed us into believing that all small type is worthless.

As an online editor of sorts (okay, I'm really a product manager, but does that say ANYTHING about my job duties?), I spend hours trying to think of new ways to word things so that the general public will read it. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson after watching endless usability sessions in which a reasonably intelligent, college-educated adult misses 14-pt. type in blaring red telling him EXACTLY where to find what he is looking for. But oh, no, I made the mistake of typing out directions for the little angel's daycare, which I will be referring to from now on as "Oz." It's a nice, oddly-colored place to visit populated by people with no heart, brain or courage, but there's no place like home.

You're wondering how this all ties together. Well, one of the reasons I was so upset about the little angel's first day in Oz, when they DIDN'T FEED HER FOR FIVE HOURS, was that I had taken the trouble to painstakingly type up a cute, little instruction sheet containing helpful hints regarding feeding (feed her more than once a day, people), how to make her stop crying (I'm a veteran after playing "Why Are You Crying?" every day for twelve weeks), when to give her tummy time (not right after you load her up with Liquid Sleep, or it will come pouring back out just like a twenty-one-year-old after the seventeenth Goldenschlager shot) and the like. DID THEY READ IT? NO. Did the old lady who asked me this morning, "Are you sure you want me to wake her up every three hours to eat?" even know it existed? NO. NO, YOU MORON, I DON'T WANT YOU TO TIME HER FOOD LIKE NURSE RATCHED. I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO LET HER STARVE.

People don't read. Not you people, of course, you are reading right now, and how bright you are! You are probably one of my beloved, literate friends! I, of course, am referring to the masses, and the staffers of Oz. Okay, I'm done now.