Internal Monologue During The Warrior Dash
[Editor's Note: Prior to running the Warrior Dash, the blogger thought she was a badass. Also note: the blogger used a waterproof disposable camera, but it got "sent off" and will take two weeks to be developed, just like it's 1984, so she's relying on spotty memory of obstacles and their order.]
Oh, look! The starting line shoots fire! That's totally cool. FIRE FIRE FIRE
I probably should've trained on grass. Grass with lots of shale and sticks in it.
No problem. I am doing awesome. I am going to try to stay with my brother-in-law, because I am a badass.
This is, well, quite a hill.
OMG, still a hill.
FUCKING HILL.
When will the obstacles start? Is this hill an obstacle or just a never-ending vertical slope?
Okay, a bunch of things to climb over. I've never really climbed over anything before. I should've played football.
That was not just a paper sign. That was a semi truck to crawl under. Nice job, Rita. Way to slam your back into it.
(at this point, my brother-in-law decides to wait for me after obstacles so he'll have someone to run with, as he puts it, or to make sure I don't die, as I put it)
Running, running.
Tires! High knees, hippety hop, look at me go!
HEAVY BREATHING. ANOTHER GODDAMN HILL.
Barbed wire. Why are these people just stooping over? Why not crawl? Here I'm crawling! And I'm passing people!
Why did that bitch just tell me not to cut in line. Isn't this a race?
USE THE ANGER, RITA.
Eat my dust, sister. *passes immediately after obstacle in fit of immaturity brought on by extreme humidity and barbed wire*
HILL HILL HILL HILL HILL HILL
Oh, fuck. That is a twenty foot wall I'm supposed to climb over with a rope.
Climb, climb, climb.
OMG, there is nothing but a rope on the other side.
WATER WATER WATER
Guess we're running again, huh?
Trenches! See, all those other people were going to have to crawl at some point, anyway. HA I SNEEZE IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
Running downhill is, like, so much better than running uphill.
Climbing up and down chains. Anyone who has a child under the age of ten has a total advantage here. *scampers up and down over this oversized playground equipment*
Running through the woods. Sticks, rocks. Other people. OH, FUCK STEEP DOWNHILL. Make that quickly walking through the woods.
OH GOD NOW WE HAVE TO GO BACK UPHILL THROUGH THE WOODS.
I hate the woods.
More large walls to climb over. Don't think about it. Don't think about it.
Running!
Rope wall. Totally easy if you hold on to the top. Oh, boy. Not everyone is holding on to the top. Poor them.
WATER WATER WATER
Wait, what? Why are those people so short? You mean they are in a pit? And there is a giant dirt hill? And then another pit? SIX MORE GIANT DIRT HILLS WITH PITS?
This is it, I'm going to die right here. Look, they already dug my grave.
PANTING
Brother-in-law laughing.
Brother-in-law teaching me the doctor way to quickly bring down your heartrate.
It so doesn't work for me.
Running through the woods again. So tired. Sticks.
OH SHIT I TRIPPED IN THE WOODS WITH TWO FEET OF TRAIL, OH PEOPLE ARE LEAPING OVER ME LIKE I'M AN OBSTACLE, TUCK AND ROLL, RITA!
BOING! I'm back up. Fuck it. Running.
No, ankle hurts. Walking.
No, dammit. Running.
Big tank of water with boards across. Under normal conditions would walk across. However, I just tripped over a stick in the middle of the woods and do not trust my balance at all right now. Sit on my ass and swing my way across. Ignore other people giving me the side-eye.
And there's the fire. I am so not jumping over fire. I would be the one person in the history of the Warrior Dash who trips and falls right into the fire and dies.
MUD AND BARBED WIRE. BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE RIGHT BEHIND THAT IS THE FINISH LINE! AND WATER!
*plop* Oooh. If I put my hands down I can just float under the barbed wire.
This mud feels incredible. I was so hot. I am not hot now. The mud is cool and peaceful.
I have just communed with pigs.
Trying to stand without falling over. This must be special mud, because I have seen mud before, and it has never looked so homogenous on people.
FINISH LINE!