If Christmas Letters Were Truthful
Dear friends, family, and college buddies I haven't laid eyes on in twenty years:
Boy, was 2017 amazing! Hilda joined the Peace Corps after realizing she couldn't afford community college. She's currently digging latrines in Sierra Leone, which she says is beautiful as long as you don't look at the human feces or feral dogs. We have high hopes she'll wear herself out after a year and come back to join the nursing program at a nonprofit institution of higher learning.
We recently learned there are tax cuts! This is great! We're looking forward to using our return to buy a new SUV that should be able to navigate the crumbling roadways we use to commute two hours each way to a soul-killing office job that will soon be replaced by robots.
In other news, Nancy made it through a round of breast cancer thanks to us learning that you can get an interest-free payment plan if you call the 800 number and tell them you have no money. You, too, could pay $35.18 a month for the next twenty years to each of ten different healthcare providers. #blessed
Little Jerod has been pursuing four different sports at the age of nine. The doctors say his concussions should heal up well and he's excited to play competitive league soccer year-round as long as his games continue to start before 11 pm on school nights. He may even see ten minutes of playing time in 2018. Woot!
Nancy and Alexander are looking forward to celebrating 23 years of marriage in December, when they realized they'll be making the same household income that they did in 1998 despite a 43% increase in healthcare costs. Nancy is excited her antidepressants will soon be covered under the maintenance medicine list on her high-deductible health plan.
What else? The family took an exciting trip this year to Duluth, where they took a tobaggan ride down the steepest hill in the middle of a winter storm. You haven't lived until you've crossed a busy intersection on black ice, amirite?
Nancy is still putting in twenty hours of unpaid work each week at the PTA after a round of budget cuts reduced the teaching staff by 18%. Alexander forwent dental care in order to pay for Hilda's totalled Corolla after they took out the stop sign on Highway 50. Thank God nobody was seriously injured, because man, we haven't hit the out-of-pocket max yet even in December. Even after cancer. But who's counting?
Hope you and yours are having a fantastic holiday season and avoid the Q4 layoffs at your employer. Happy New Year!