I've had a rough few weeks in terms of ego. The self doubt creeps in, the why-am-I-doing-this, the what-if-this-happens-what-if-that-happens-what-should-I-do-next. Yesterday Beloved pointed out I'd forgotten an entire conversation with him because I was secretly stewing over something else.
I recently read Vanessa Williams memoir with her mom, Helen Williams, for BlogHer Book Club. I admit to never following Vanessa's career, and so I probably would not have picked up this book on my own. What I took away is that Vanessa has some serious fire in the belly. She never doubted herself, not when she was blocked from Broadway after the Miss America thing, not when she faced numerous professional obstacles that would've sidelined most actresses. Or singers. Or dancers. She apparently is all of these things. She wrote:
I knew it would be tough, but I also never doubted I would succeed. When you know this, you don't have dark days, you don't hit rock bottom. You just have days when you want to scream at people: "You have no idea what I can do!"
You need that kind of confidence, and of course talent, and a truckload of luck to succeed in any creative field. Creative fields are tough. Those in charge give your work (or good Lord, if you're an actress, your actual self) a cursory glance and make a snap decision, usually based on gut and whatever hole they're trying to plug that day. It's inevitable you will only be the right fit in certain situations, but in order to get yourself into the situations where luck might smile on you, you have to have the confidence to keep going, keep picking yourself up off the floor and resubmitting the work to the next gallery or agent or editor or producer.
I'm in a place where the next few weeks will result in euphoria or the need to pick myself up off the ground. I feel the need to start kindling the fire now, but I'm looking around my writing cave and finding very little firewood. I've been riding the wave of amped-up anxiety since January, trying to pack it back so I can read to my daughter or make dinner or attend meetings. It pops up at the most unexpected times, the ohmygodwhat'sgoingtohappennext, and sometimes it kills me that I have to keep on living normal life when creatively I'm hanging in such a big career balance, just swinging waiting to see if luck and talent will coincide with someone who needs something just like mine at this particular place in time in history and in publishing. It's been three years since I started dreaming this particular dream. Three years is a long time to keep a fire stoked, through rewrites and feedback and agents and writing partners and readers.
I'm looking hard at myself as I wait to hear what will come of this particular ride. If it doesn't pan out the way I hope it will, I'm going to have to start over, take another tack. Do I believe the world doesn't know what I can do?
I have to.
Congratulations to the winner of the Midwest Dairy Council's Get Mooooving gift pack on Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews!