*updated whenever I remember*
I have my colonoscopy tomorrow. This is the second colonoscopy I've had, so unfortunately, this time I know what to expect. I'll spare you the details of the gross parts, but in case anyone's wondering what it's like to prep for a procedure like this, I thought I'd liveblog it. I promise I will not talk about my plumbing.
8 am: Coffee. No milk. I poured water into it out of a water bottle to try to fool my mind with the ritual. My mind was fooled. My tastebuds were not. I had two cups and yet somehow still do not feel awake.
8:30 am: Notice I am hungry. Drink lemonade and eat some lemon-lime Jell-o.
10 am: Make a tasty cup of chicken broth. (Note: chicken broth is a really good thing to drink because it at least tastes like food, whereas Jell-o just tastes like the dregs of childhood and church potlucks.) Decide to pretend I am at a fancy spa having a colonic or juice cleanse instead of sitting around my dirty house trying to work while I mainline clear liquids. Maybe a little soothing music would help.
10:41 am: Why can't I wake up? Also, I looked up colonics. Why anyone would do that to themselves voluntarily is beyond me.
Noon: Fed the cat. Jealous of the cat. Looked at my "supplies" and realized I'm going to have way bigger problems in a few hours.
12:28 pm: Realizing I'm not going to really eat anything today, I check with the nurse and decide to start the cleanse part of the clear liquid diet early so I can go to bed early -- if I want -- without fear. My plan is actually to stay up late and sleep until the last possible minute before my 12:30 Wednesday check-in so I don't have to sit around all morning thinking about how hungry I am. Mix 15 doses of Miralax with Gatorade and take two Dulcolax. Stare at bottle of Miralax and think I can't possibly be taking this much at once, then remember the point of this entire exercise. Stir into large water bottle with chopstick and down the hatch. It will take me forever to drink all this stuff, anyway. Not hungry at this phase because so much liquid going down. Feel bloated and lightheaded.
2 pm: I can tell I'm not going to need the second round of supplies, which is good. Also, I feel totally sick.
2:11 pm: HUNGRY! SO HUNGRY!
2:29 pm: Hunger's gone. Now I'm depressed. WILL THIS DAY EVER END?
3 pm: Developing a hunger headache. Call nurse to ask if I can take Advil. HUNGER PANG WHILE ON HOLD. No Advil. Only Tylenol. Panic because I never take Tylenol, but I find a bottle in the medicine bin.
3:22 pm: Hitting refresh on Calming Manatee.
3:42 pm: I don't know why people fast for clarity. There is no clarity, only bad flashbacks to the million things I used to do to distract myself from being hungry.
4:08 pm: Starting to fantasize about being sedated tomorrow. It would be nice to be asleep right now.
5:33 pm: Fed the cat again. Currently hate the cat.
5:44 pm: I HAZ THE SADS.
9:04 pm: I sent Beloved and the little angel away for dinner because I couldn't stand to smell food. They were gone for an hour and a half, which I spent reading FORGIVE ME, LEONARD PEACOCK and becoming convinced of the awesomeness of author Matthew Quick. Writerly appreciation blinded me to my hunger pangs, but then when they came home, I stood up too fast and nearly blacked out. I decided I needed a distraction, so I watered flowers (it's raining now), took out the garbage and put away laundry while listening to the sounds of my innards. The worst of the cleaning process is over now, so at least there's that, but the hunger is really mounting right now, and I hate to go to bed hungry, so I'm going to try to stay up as long as possible so I'll sleep right up until noon tomorrow. I check in at 12:30 and the procedure is at 1:30, and the nurse said it should be all done by 3 at the very latest. I want to think about all the food I'll eat on the deck tomorrow night watching the neighbor kids and the little angel set off fireworks (remember, kids, I live in Missouri), but that is too depressing as I realized just a little bit ago that I still have eighteen hours to go. How long can I sleep?
9:10 pm: I swore I would not have any more chicken broth as the cubes have a zillion grams of sodium in them, but I suppose retaining water isn't really a problem at present, is it?