I am so sick of my gut.

I have already been diagnosed with bile acid malabsorption and take medicine for it, two huge pills twice a day. However, those pills can't be taken within four hours of any other medicine or it won't be absorbed properly, either. Since I value my mental health more than my bowel health, I put the priority on taking my antidepressants at the same time every day, but whether I remember to take the other pills twice a day within four hours is another question. Some days, I am great. Other days, particularly at certain times in my cycle, I'm a train wreck. 

I asked my doctor whether I should eliminate gluten, both the regular doctor and the gastroentologist. I don't remember exactly what either one said, but I know neither of them instructed me to give up gluten, or I would've tried it. Without being directed by a doctor to do it, I've been totally dragging my feet, because the thought of someone saying, "Is there something here you can eat?" and worrying about making special meals so I can eat or worrying every time I go to a restaurant about what I will eat -- well, that feels a lot like the years I spent as a vegan and vegetarian to disguise my disordered eating. 

I really, really don't want have "bad" foods again.

But I'm so, so sick of feeling sick. 

I've asked people about it before, maybe even written about it here, I don't remember. I've heard you have to go for a month before you can even tell and you have to replace your toaster and there might be gluten in your medicine and your lotion and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ARE JUST SCREWED SO EMBRACE GOOD TOILET PAPER.

I could cry. Seriously. This is how much I hate thinking about regulating my diet like this. It's not that I'm so in love with bread. It's that I really despise thinking about food that much. It's a very short path for me from reading labels to counting calories and all the rest of it. 

Of course, I decided to try this experiment of eliminating gluten for at least two weeks right after eating a whole wheat tortilla for breakfast. I am going to try it anyway, as best as I can, then go back to see my doctor and discuss the situation with her again. She's moved to a new practice and my insurance is changing in July and hopefully that will all synch up so as not to cause weird insurance nightmares.

I HATE THIS. But I guess I have to try. I've been tested for celiac disease and Crohn's and lactose intolerance, and I don't have any of those. At one point in my life, I was told I had IBS, but ha ha! That was actually endometriosis. I know I'm getting older and having your body go all whack is just part of that, but I am having a big, fat pity party today, anyway. 

WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE

(sob)