I can't do it. I can't do it! I can't buy my eight-year-old daughter a bikini. Or even a tankini. I do not want to see her exposed midriff!

I see other little girls at the pool wearing bikinis. They look cute. My mom friends let their girls wear bikinis and tankinis. I'm not judging.

But there we were in Target looking at the swimwear selection. She was begging for a bikini, and I kept looking at her and looking at the swimwear, and looking at her.

"Nope. Not happening," I said, and picked out eight super-cute one-piece swimsuits.

I'm that mom. The mom who won't let her girl wear heels even though Suri Cruise has changed little girls' footwear selections until she gets old enough to just have her Playboy cover and be done with it. I'm the mom who pulled her daughter out of a dance academy after seeing the nine-year-olds dressed like Katy Perry at the recital. The mom who won't let her daughter get even a tankini.

I told Beloved about my decision when I got home. He paled beneath his tan. "I can't take it," he said. "No way is she wearing a bikini."

At least I'm not the only prude parent in this house.