Following PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody’s post about engaging GLBTQ kids in conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity, we received a comment from reader Jen, asking about guidelines on having these conversations with straight kids. I am grateful to Amy for kindly providing follow up material on this topic:

From Amy Cody:

Children learn about sexual orientation at a young age from media, the playground, and friends. It’s far better for a parent and child to talk about issues like sexual orientation when the child is young and before she or he gets misinformation and is exposed to prejudice. Unfortunately, the words “gay,” “fag,” and “queer” remain three of the most common put-downs among youth from elementary school through adulthood. Talking with kids from a young age about sexual orientation will help them to deal with fears, prejudices, and the misinformation they will eventually be exposed to.

Heterosexual as well as homosexual youth can suffer the consequences of unchecked anti-homosexual bias and prejudice. William Pollack, author of Real Boys, has come to see anti-homosexual attitudes as compounding the inhibition heterosexual boys feel about expressing their feelings, treating each other warmly, and pursuing their creative lives for fear of being labeled a “fag.” Pollack points out that adolescents feel vulnerable to someday dropping out of favor, to being the one left out. When one group is shunned or stigmatized with impunity, every child’s sense of security is eroded.

If your child doesn’t bring up the topic of homosexuality, s/he might at least ask about a family that is different from yours - a family with one parent if she has two, or a family with two parents if she has one. Use this opportunity to teach about homosexuality by explaining about the different sorts of families people can have. For example:

“A gay man is a man who loves another man, just the way your mother and I love each other. A lesbian is a woman who loves another woman, in the same way. When two lesbian or gay grown-ups meets and fall in love, sometimes they start a family just like mommy and I did.” Ask your child if s/he understands, and expect that you will have to repeat the lesson over time before he can fully master it.

Always bear in mind that when you tell your child about homosexual people, you aren’t just delivering the facts. You are showing her how you feel about people and how you want your child to feel. Think of each little discussion as communicating how you would react if your child were to make fun of people because they are homosexual, or if your child were to someday tell you she is a lesbian herself. This is an opportunity to share your value that “in this family, we treat everyone with dignity and respect.” You’ll also be conveying your general beliefs about how to relate to people who are different from yourself. Even if she is heterosexual, the openness s/he sees in you will help your child turn to you with something she or he fears may disappoint you or diminish her in your eyes.

Recommended Websites and Books

What Does Gay Mean? How to Talk with Kids About Sexual Orientation and Prejudice by Lynn Ponton (author, child psychiatrist, and expert in teen issues). This online brochure offers resources, tips for talking across the developmental stages of preschool through teenagers, as well as general Q&A.

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson & Mark Schuster

Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman

Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack & Mary Pipher

And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:

Moms’ Buzz provides a primer on commonly used acronyms that kids use while text messaging and chatting. Classy Mommy features a video of Katie Couric reporting on the powerful mommy blogger revolution. And visit MomFinds to enter to win a $200 shopping spree at The Fine Art of Family.

And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:

Coochicoos features the unusual charm and beauty of a room created from a drainpipe. Car & Caboodle presents part 3 of their series on the love/hate relationship moms have with the minivan. Moms’ Buzz offers tips on the proper fit for flats vs. heels. Classy Mommy documents her adventure to meet Kyra Sedgwick of The Closer. And you could win a Dante Beatrix DB Haul Tote at MomFinds, and a Nine-Month pregnancy keepsake necklace at One Chic Mama.

Today, Jules and Heather review Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, a book that seeks to motivate moms to give themselves the time-outs they need and deserve. Read on for their reviews, as well as to learn how to be one of two winners to receive a copy of Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too:
From Jules:

“Before becoming a mom, I feared that I would be the type of mother whose life revolved around moms’ groups, shuttling kids from soccer practice to boy scouts and back, laboring for months over Halloween costumes, and any other banal tasks where I’d lose my sense of self in the process of being a slave to my son. But now that I am a mom, I understand that these tasks are not banal and they are anything but ordinary. How extraordinary it is to watch your child grow and learn and play and interact, and mine is only four months old! I have found so much joy and genuine happiness in the day to day of motherhood.

These feelings, of course, do not shield me from the daily volatilities and stressors that a mother faces. And Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too – a book that gives a positive voice to every mother who has ever felt exhausted, rejected, disconnected, impatient, isolated, unattractive, depressed, or incapable – encourages mothers to be a little selfish; to evaluate their priorities and really take time to nurture the self.

Acknowledging the fact that mothers are challenged by their selflessness, feelings that they need to do it all, and societal pressures, rather than offering quick fixes for the every day struggles, Mothers Need Times-Outs, Too offers insights, stories, and realistic solutions to every day issues by taking our unrealistic expectations and turning them into realities. My favorite chapters include: The Power of Self Awareness, The Value of Downtime, The Loving Link with your Partner, and The Significance of Self Care. These chapters ask moms to focus on eating right, sleeping right, exercising, having quiet time, verbalizing your stressors/fears, and staying sexually active. The principal of the book is basic and most of us know it in theory, but it is refreshing to have tangible guidance on how to achieve selflessness, passion, relaxation, and nurturing in reality.

No matter what your mothering situation, Mothers Need Times-Outs, Too is a great book to help moms justify their fears, feelings of inadequacy, and frantic-ness, and move towards change. I know now that having children will not ever mean losing me. They are me. Now find yourself some quiet time, some comfy clothes, and get reading!”

From Heather:

“I am often told, ‘I don’t know how you do it all.’ After all, what people see is a mama of four well adjusted healthy kids under 5; someone who never says no to host a play date or backyard BBQ while managing a full time career, happy hubby, and clean house (please don’t look under the couch…). But the reality is that these days I only appear to do it all; instead I feel that I do nothing well, and all too often what I do accomplish is at my own expense. But I keep on trucking because this is the alleged norm for today’s mom, right?

Think again. In reading Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too by Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen, and Katrin Schumann, I was thrilled to discover that this book is chock-full of wonderful advice, delivered via hundreds of real moms using relevant examples of daily life issues. The key message of this book is that being a little selfish actually makes us better mothers. It’s really as basic as the pre take-off ‘oxygen mask’ instructions when flying. Secure your oxygen mask first and then take care of your children. We are no good to anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves first.

The authors summarize it best in the introduction:

With this book, you’re about to begin a journey of self-discovery. Your willingness to open yourself up to scrutiny, to change habits, to ask for help and to admit and even relish in imperfection will help you regain control of your life. You’ll learn to listen to your instincts again and to stop feeling guilty about never being quite good enough. You’ll treat yourself with more compassion and become more patient with those around you.’

I encourage all moms to time-out for you and read this inspirational book!”

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THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED
Congrats to winners Jennifer G. and maxwellj!
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Now, want to be one of two winners to receive a copy of Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too? Here’s how:

Visit the Mothers Need Time-Outs Too reseller page, then email contests@bostonmamas.com (with ‘Time-Outs’ in the subject), and name a reseller where you can purchase Mothers Need Time-Outs Too.

One entry permitted per person; US entrants welcome to enter.

Entry period closes at midnight EST, Tuesday, June 24, 2008.

And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:

One Chic Mama features the affordable and eco-friendly household products by Charlie’s Soaps. Clever Parents offers guidance on “green” decorating and remodeling. Moms’ Buzz reviews content from April and May. The Nest Baby wants you to weigh in on a report of a grandma trying to breastfeed her grandson. And you could win: a $75 gift certificate to Vincent Shoes at Modern Mom, a Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Cushion for Dad from MomFinds, and a copy of the Sex and the City: The Movie book from We Covet.

And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:

Clever Parents offers tips to help children cope with separation and divorce. Moms’ Buzz features a last minute family travel deal from Norwegian Cruise Line. We Covet loves the Pin Up Girls handmade clear resin bracelet. And you could win: a Playskool Rose Petal Cottage from Classy Mommy, Kids’ Cobian sandals at MomFinds, “Moms Rocks” tees from One Chic Mama, and gifts for daddy from The Nest Baby.

A local reader recently wrote in asking whether we could cover separation from the mom perspective. This mom is relocating across the country for work this summer, will be separated from her husband and child, and found little online in the way of tips for handling separation, particularly as a mom. I am grateful to my guest contributors who chimed in for collective editorial, offering tips to prepare for and handle separation.

BEFORE YOU GO...

Talk about the separation in advance. It’s understandable that you might not want to bring up stressful topics with your child, but it’s important to prepare them for the separation. Go with an age appropriate level of detail; for example, tell your child you are leaving, where you are going, the departure date (in terms of tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.), when you will be back (they may not have the long-term concept of time, but familiarizing them with units of time will help the parent who is staying at home), and how much you’ll miss the child.

Have fun with geography. For preschoolers and up, make a game out of the above discussions of separation. You can look at maps together, or even better, play together with map puzzles, where you can make a game out of connecting your two locations while you talk about where you are going.

Update your technology. Make sure your computer equipment is up to date and ready to go. If you're a one-computer family and you'll be gone a long time, consider getting a second computer for easy communication. Get any equipment or software fixed or upgraded before you leave town and make sure you have high-speed Internet.

Be explicit with your partner. Think about what information you will want updates on while you are gone. Parents process the information about what their kids are doing differently, so if you're calling for an update, and your partner has no idea what specifics are important for you, certain things may not be on his/her radar. Make a list of any particulars (e.g., developmental milestones) so your partner will know what kind of updates you’re interested in.

Prepare for transitions and routines. If the partner who is leaving is solely responsible for any regular activity (e.g., bath time), transfer or start sharing the responsibility for that task to the partner who is staying sooner rather than later, to help smooth the transition.

FOR THE PARENT WHO IS HOME...

Allow your child to embrace the feelings. Distraction is a key parenting technique when a child is upset, but it’s also healthy and normal for children to be able to express sadness and work through it before moving on, particularly with something major like a parent being gone. For example, you can acknowledge the feeling by saying, “I know you miss Mom… I miss her too,” and then suggest looking at favorite photos, or making a card or piece of art for her. Activities like this will allow your child to feel what they are feeling while finding a positive and constructive outlet for their sad feelings.

Save some fun rituals for the parent who is away. Whether it’s via a song, a place that child and parent like to go together, or a shared activity, allow for preservation of special rituals between your child and the parent who is away. These acts can serve as important time touchstones. For example, associating simple projects with one parent (“We'll make muffins together when Mama is home this weekend”) can help create a sense of stability even in separation.

Bonding with backups. If you are fortunate to have grandparents or other relatives nearby, ask for help, or accept help when offered. The presence of other family members not only can create a fun sense of newness or distraction via novelty, but also serves to enhance intergenerational or cross-family bonds.

Get a small treat for each day of separation. Depending on how long the separation is, signify each day (or every few days, or once a week) with a small treat. Keep the gifts small for most days (e.g., colored pencils, hair ribbon, glitter nail polish, bubble mix), but every now and then, make the day's present something a little more significant (e.g., a book or DVD). Put each gift in a small paper bag and label the bag with the date. Then put all the bags in a big bag or box and have your child open one present for each labeled day.

Mark the calendar. Create a big calendar on a piece of poster board to visually demonstrate how many days there are until the parent returns. Give your child a cool sticker to put up at the end of each day that passes. This will offer a tangible means for the child to see or count how many days, sleeps, etc. until the other parent returns.

FOR THE PARENT WHO IS AWAY...

Call in daily. Ask your partner to use speakerphone if possible, so you can hear everyone at the same time and feel like a part of the household even in absentia. (Speakerphone is also easier for small children who may not have mastered the art of holding and speaking into a telephone.)

Schedule video chats. Video chats offer a wonderful way for kids and parents to connect visually. The frequency and length will depend on your child’s age, but even brief video chats (or babbles!) with a baby/toddler are a wonderful way to keep the traveling parent’s image near and dear.

Record yourself. Record yourself reading your child’s favorite bedtime story to help ease bedtime rituals and provide a reminder of you for your child.

Keep photos of your child with you. Photos can help ease the ache of separation and you don’t need to haul around a brag book. It’s easy to store photos in PDAs and phones, and if your partner has the right technology, ask if he/she can snap and email you photos periodically.

Send mail. Kids love receiving mail. While you are away, send simple notes; if you like, enclose a fun pack of stickers or other small treat every now and then.

Don’t forget about your partner. Consider some small surprises for your partner as well. And after your child is in bed, try to connect again over the phone for a grown up chat to nurture your relationship too.

Try not to take it personally. Accept that your child will bond more with your partner or other adults in your absence, and try not to be hurt or offended. Things will happen while you're gone, and it's best to be excited and supportive about them (for example, “You went to the amusement park with Daddy? That's great! Tell me all about it!”). Your child loves you and will still love you once the period of separation is over.

Try to get beyond the guilt. Allow that this will be a difficult time. Cry if you have to. Call as often as you need to. And while you’re away, plan some things that you haven't had time to do since having the baby and try to get beyond the guilt and enjoy yourself. Don't punish yourself for leaving...kids are resilient and you will get back to your former closeness when you return.

Create a historical record. No doubt you will experience a range of emotions and experiences while separated from your child. Whether via handwritten journal or a blog (be sure to set up password protection if you’d like to keep the blog personal to your family), consider writing about this unusual period for your family. It will be something you all can look back on in the future, and will provide a novel outlet for you, since no doubt you probablyhaven’t had much time to journal since your baby arrived!

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Do you have a tip for handling family separation? Please feel welcome to leave a comment below!

Today, PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody offers an excellent feature on how parents and caregivers can engage with their kids in conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity. Amy covers basic definitions, as well as insightful thought and action points.

From Amy:

Why It's Important to Talk about Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Whether or not you talk with your kids about sexual orientation or gender identity, young people receive messages about this topic from various sources including their peers, the media, and the Internet. As parents and caregivers, you have a crucial role in dispelling myths, challenging stereotypes, and expressing the idea that everyone deserves respect regardless of their race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or gender identity. People's beliefs about sexual orientation vary and are based on their religious, cultural, and family values. While some families already discuss this topic, for others it may be challenging.

When talking about sexual orientation and gender identity, many different terms may be used. These definitions can help make conversations clear.

Sexual orientation refers to a person's physical, emotional, and romantic attraction to individuals of the same and/or opposite gender. Heterosexual (or straight) refers to a person who is attracted to and/or falls in love with someone of the other gender. Homosexual (or gay or lesbian) refers to a person who is attracted to and/or falls in love with someone of the same gender. Bisexual refers to a person who is attracted to and/or falls in loves with someone of either gender. Questioning refers to a person who is unsure of or is exploring their sexual orientation. Some people know from a young age that they are attracted to people of the same or opposite gender. For others, it can be an evolving process.

No one knows for certain why people have different sexual orientations. There are many theories including genetics, prenatal and socio-cultural influences, and psychosocial factors, as well as a combination of all of these. But we do know that sexual orientation is not something that is chosen. Nor is it something that can be changed by medicine or therapy.

Gender identity is a person's internal, personal sense of being a man or a woman (or a boy or a girl). Transgender describes a person whose internal feelings of being male or female differ from the sexual anatomy they were born with. Some people ask, "Isn't transgender just like being gay?" No. Transgender describes a person's internal sense of gender identity while sexual orientation describes a person's feelings of attraction toward other people. Transgender people have some issues in common with gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities like: "coming out" (when a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person tells another person her/his sexual orientation or gender identity), access to non-judgmental health care, self-esteem, and violence. However, gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation.

Before talking with your children, it's helpful to consider the messages you want to share. As a parent of an adolescent, you might want to share the following using clear, age-appropriate language:

Every culture and society has people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, heterosexual, and transgender.

People's beliefs about sexual orientation are based on their religious, cultural, and family values.

Some people are afraid to share that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, or transgender because they fear they will be mistreated or misunderstood.

Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, questioning, and transgender people can adopt children or have their own children.

People who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, or transgender engage in many of the same sexual behaviors as heterosexual people.

There are young people who have sexual thoughts and experiences with people of the same gender, but do not consider themselves to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, questioning, transgender people, and heterosexuals can establish lifelong committed relationships.

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Important Things to Consider for Parents and Other Trusted Caregivers of a Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning Adolescent

The below was adapted from an article appearing on the Advocates for Youth website by Lisa Maurer, MS, CFLE, ACSE, Coordinator, The Center for LGBT Education, Outreach and Services, Ithaca College. The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of PPLM.

1. Engage with your child. Your gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (GLBTQ) child requires and deserves the same level of care, respect, information, and support as non-GLBTQ children. Ask questions, listen, empathize, share, and just be there for your child.

2. Go back to school. Get the facts about sexual orientation and gender identity. Learn new language and the correct terminology to communicate effectively about sexual orientation and gender identity. Challenge yourself to learn and to go beyond stereotyped images of GLBTQ people.

3. Find out what kind of support, services, and education are in place at your adolescent's school. Does the school and/or school district have a non-discrimination policy and is there a Gay/Straight Alliance group? Find a bookstore with a selection of books and magazines on GLBTQ issues, or a GLBTQ community center nearby. Do you know any "out" people, or their friends and loved ones, to whom you can turn for information? (Before doing so, ask your adolescent if it's okay for you to share about his or her sexual orientation.)

4. Find out the meeting location of the local Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Many parents say that their connections with other parents of GLBTQ kids made a world of difference in their progress toward understanding their young people. Finding another person you can trust to share your experience with is invaluable. Many people have gone through similar things and their support, lessons learned, and empathy can be very valuable.

5. Don't make it ALL there is. Just because your child has come out as GLBTQ does not mean the young person's whole world revolves around sexual orientation or gender identity. It will be a big part of who the youth is, especially during the process of figuring it all out, including what it means to be GLBTQ. Still, being GLBTQ isn't the sum of life for your child, and it is vital to encourage your child in other aspects of life, such as school, sports, hobbies, friends, and part-time jobs.

6. Praise your GLBTQ youth for coming to you to discuss this issue. Encourage the youth to continue to keep you "in the know." If your child turns to you to share personal information, you must be doing something right. You are ask-able. You are sending out consistent verbal and non-verbal cues that say, "Yes, I'll listen. Please talk to me!" Give yourself some credit-your GLBTQ child chose to come out to you.

7. Educate yourself on local, state, and national laws and polices regarding GLBTQ people. Consider educating yourself about this and finding out what you can do to work toward extending equal rights to GLBTQ people in the United States. Two Web sites that are good places to start are the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and Human Rights Campaign.

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Useful Resources for More Information

The following local and national resources can offer information and support, whether you or your children are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, you know someone who is part of the LGBTQ community, or you just want to learn more information about this topic.

Gay, Lesbian, & Straight Education Network (GLSEN). This organization envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline. 888-843-4564. This toll-free hotline provides anonymous services including peer counseling, information, and referrals.

National Latina/o Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Organization (LLEGO). This organization is devoted to representing Latina/o LGBT communities and addressing their growing needs regarding an array of social issues ranging from civil rights and social justice to health and human services.

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG's Mission is to promote the health and well being of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered persons, their families and friends. PFLAG provides support in coping with a hostile society, education, and advocacy.

Youth Resource: A Project of Advocates for Youth. This website for GLBTQ young people 13 to 24 years old offers support, community, resources, advocacy, and peer-to-peer education about issues of concern.

And for books that address sexual orientation, click here. (Shown: GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens)

When I was a kid, whenever a snowstorm hit my Dad marched all seven of us out to shovel the walkways of all of our elderly neighbors (which was pretty much everyone). This was an exhausting habit – particularly during the blizzard of ’78 – but I appreciate my Dad’s traditional sense of community care and respect for elders.

Not surprisingly, ever since last week’s storm I’ve been plagued by guilt about the impenetrable layer of ice on our sidewalk. Somehow between work and home and potty training, we just couldn’t keep up the day of the storm. So during the last two days of warm up, I have gone out periodically to chip away at the driveway and sidewalk. The ice has been remarkably resistant to my efforts.

Moments ago, during another round of chopping and scraping, a DPW truck pulled up and two friendly workers offered to help; they doused our sidewalk with several pounds of salt. They even offered to fill up our salt bucket (we really must get one of those…).

Maybe I’m feeling sentimental today because I visited my Dad’s grave this morning, but I had the distinct feeling that universes were colliding; as if, some 20 years later, I just got a little gift for shoveling all of those walkways as a kid. And Laurel appears to have inherited my Dad’s sense of community care. During a post-storm walkabout, she stopped for a good 10 minutes to remove ice chunks that had fallen off the banks and onto the sidewalk (shown).