And Then Her Head Exploded

I had to find all the little pieces of my head lying around the house this morning before I could go to work.  Part of the problem is that I'm sick, and so is the little angel and my beloved, and the little angel and I were on the couch from about two in the morning on last night and midnight on the night before.  Part of the problem is that while my writer's conference was the best use of $130 I've had in a long, long time, it caused the very messy business of my head exploding with all the things I must do to get this project in any sort of working order before I seriously seek an agent.

Like so many things in life, it was life-changing in a good and bad way.

Part of my problem is TIME.  What with the searching for the day job (my contract at Large Corporate Tax Prep has five weeks left on it and counting), finishing up the semester at the community college (fourteen essays, each four pages long and with three outside sources done in MLA style coming my way in two weeks - oh, and I haven't recorded one grade yet in my computer all semester long - ack), working on this book project and balancing Toddler Birthday Season (because every toddler I know was born in March, April or May) is kicking my ass. Not just a little bit. It's all kicking it a lot.

Which brings me to the issue of identity. What is mine?  My job thinks I should be focusing on my career, and which position I take here next will largely shape that.  My class thinks I should be focusing on them, and rightly so - they want to know what's on the dang final.  My daughter and husband are begging for my time, and really - they are THE most important thing and are getting as big of a piece as I can possibly give them (well, my daughter at least - my beloved is probably going to join Abandoned Spouses Anonymous soon).  Where is the book?  Where is the blogging?  I'm hanging on to them by my fingernails, because that is the part of this whole big mess of my life that is still ME.  It's what I wanted to do when I was a little girl - be a writer, discuss the larger and smaller issues of life with other, like-minded people.  If I let that one slide out of my fingers, I'm going to wake up twenty years from now with the little angel calling me hung over from college and wondering what I liked to do before she came along in the first place.

My biggest fear in life is losing sight of me.  I understand how much I love my child and my husband, friends and family. What gets in the way sometimes is forgetting how much I love me.

I had a crap year last year.  My beloved got on the right track with his career, and we've spent a lot of time nurturing his entrepreneurship.  I got depressed because I wasn't sure when my ship would ever sail.  The little angel never slept, and I realized that not even my basic physical needs were being met - the need for sleep,the need to eat healthy food and exercise and laugh.  Once I got the physical needs under control, I realized I had long been neglecting my existential need to practice my own free will and do something about me and my interests. 

I've been trying to behave in a more loving way toward myself this year, and as a result, I'm more invigorated than I've been in years, but I'm also BUSIER.  I'm not sure how to make it all happen.  I'm not sure how other people make it happen. My best friend and I were discussing this, and we came to the conclusion that people are either sacrificing a lot of sleep or their own interests in the name of Career, Marriage and Family.  Does it have to be this way?  Are you doing it all?  If so, can you please tell me how you find the time to do it?

I think this is the biggest question for me right now.  How can I be true to self without becoming a distant wife and absent mother?  How can I be good to others without forgetting to be good to me?