Today I'm presenting the second in a series of posts, following reader queries about educating kids about sex. As I mentioned in the first post on how to talk to kids about pornography, I'm thrilled that former regular contributor Amy Cody (Parent Education Manager at Planned Parenthood League of Massachusetts) is generously returning to answer these important questions. Today she shares 10 great tips, as well as specific resources for boys.

The original question I received asked specifically about educating boys, and Amy provides specific resources for boys below. However, the general responses are applicable to both boys and girls. 

QUESTION: How do I thoroughly educate my son about sex, sexuality, consent, sexual health, reproduction, and relationships?

ANSWER: When it comes to educating our kids about the complexities and depths of comprehensive sexuality education, it’s good to think of the process as an ongoing conversation, rather than the single “Big Talk.” Starting early and talking often is great, however, remember, it is never too late to begin the dialog!

1. Keep in mind that sexuality is not just about sex. While sexuality is about gender, reproduction, and sexual activity, it includes so much more. Sexuality is also about feelings, attitudes, values, intimacy, caring, sexual orientation, messages about being male and female, body image, trust, communication, self-esteem, and respect for others. In other words, sexuality is what it means to be human.

2. Embrace your role as the primary educator. As parents, it is our right and responsibility to be the primary sexuality educators of our sons and our daughters. Respect your kids' right to have accurate and honest information about sexuality. Providing them with factual information, as well as sharing your values, will enable them to make healthier, safer, and better-informed decisions related to sexuality.

3. Know that kids want to hear from their parents. Research supports it! How to talk to them depends on your family and your personalities. There is no “one” way to do it. Both parents can get involved. Be patient and realize that even if your son or daughter doesn’t want to talk, they are listening.

4. Be connected with their world. Be curious about their interests (music, TV, sports, etc.) and know their friends. Ask them where they are learning about things and how it makes them feel. Stay on top of the media; use external topics for conversation. Most adolescents say they are compelled into thinking about relationships, sex, and pregnancy when they are portrayed on in the media by some celebrity.

5. Affirm them. Complimenting and affirming kids helps foster positive self-esteem and will help them to open up to you. Kids who feel good about themselves engage in less risky behavior.

6. Talk less, listen more. Ask questions that open the door for discussion (e.g., When do you think a person is ready to be a parent?). Validate their questions and really listen without judging when they answer. Be an “askable” parent.

7. Choose the right times. Use teachable moments. Talk to your kids while you are both in the car, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, watching TV together, etc., not when they are on the run or engaged in an activity like homework. Often times, it's easier for kids to open up to you while you're doing something together in parallel, vs. face to face in a "serious talk" situation.

8. Be prepared. Learn about the sexuality education being taught in your school system and faith communities. Identify and share resources such as websites, books, and professionals. Confirm accurate information. Correct inaccuracies. Most teens say they know all about protection and not getting pregnant, yet they don’t. Many believe misinformation such as that two condoms are better than one, or that someone can’t get pregnant during menstruation.

9. Be honest. Communicate your feelings and values honestly. If you feel your child should wait to become sexually active, tell him/her in a positive, compassionate way. Don’t expect to have all the answers. Admit when you don’t know and be willing to seek answers together.  It is OK to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Choose what to say about your own past but it’s better not to lie.

10. Take advantage of existing resources. In my post on how to talk to kids about pornography, I shared these excellent general resources: The Joy of Sex, Our Bodies Ourselves, It's Perfectly Normal. And here are some wonderful books for parents of boys related to different facets of sexuality: Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, It’s All for the Kids: Gender, Families, and Youth Sports, Men to Boys: The Make of Modern Immaturity, Raising Cain, Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, The What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Boys: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and expertise, Amy! If you want further quick and easy ideas for talking with your child about sexuality topics, sign up for The Parent Buzz, an e-newsletter that features current, age-appropriate, helpful strategies and resources for talking with kids about sex and sexuality topics.

Friends, do you know about the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility? It's kind of a mouthful of a name and I didn't know much about them until I was looped into managing a project for them this past spring, but as soon as I was briefed, I was like, I am totally on board with these people. FAAR works to eliminate drunk driving and underage drinking, and also to promote responsible decision-making about alcohol. Part of this effort involves helping parents learn how to have challenging conversations with their kids.

While I was working with FAAR, they asked me to shoot some video Q & A, sharing tips about having tough conversations with kids. In the first video (which launched in the fall) I shared about one of my favorite ways to get kids talking. Today I wanted to share a clip about one aspect of alcohol responsibility that totally changed once kids were in the picture.

This topic is particularly top of mind given that holiday parties are in full swing. The reality is, kids soak in everything you do (and ultimately want to mimic you); modeling responsible behavior is one part of the equation and initiating conversation is another part. Just last week I engaged Laurel in a conversation about alcohol -- partly inspired by the fact that she was working on D.A.R.E. homework, and also because I was thinking about this clip and wondered how she perceived my social alcohol intake.

It turns out I'm going to be working with FAAR more formally in 2015 so I'll have more to share. I have a lot of thoughts and personal narrative around alcohol, and to be frank, I need to think about what and how I want to share some of my stories. But at the moment, I'll just say that I would love for you to join me -- let's holiday responsibly together; the below video clip shares one simple way.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsEW62AGg_o?rel=0&w=560&h=315]

Listen to more real advice from my fellow bloggers and visit Responsibility.org for additional resources and tips to keep teens safe. You can also join the conversation via #HolidayResponsibly.

Disclosure: This post reflects a sponsored editorial partnership with FAAR; all opinions/storytelling are, of course, my own.

Today, PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody shares tips for talking with your kids about the HPV vaccine:

One of the most important and challenging tasks parents face is communicating our values to our children (without them rolling their eyes) -- especially when talking about sex. But while these conversations can be difficult and awkward, research shows that positive and honest communication helps young people delay sexual activity and make healthier, safer decisions about sex.

January is Cervical Cancer Awareness Month, and for parents it's a perfect opportunity to start a conversation with your children about sexual health and the steps they can take to stay healthy. This month's conversation can be about the HPV vaccine, which, like regular cervical cancer screenings, is a key way to prevent cervical cancer.

HPV is the human papillomavirus, some strains of which can be transmitted through sexual activity in men and women. In fact, HPV is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and some strains can lead to cervical cancer and genital warts. The FDA has approved two vaccines, Gardasil and Cervarix, to safely and effectively prevent infection of the two strains of HPV that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases -- Gardasil also prevents infection of two strains that cause 90% of genital warts.

Every year, approximately 13,000 women in the U.S. are diagnosed with cervical cancer, and about 4,000 American women die of the disease. The HPV vaccine is a major breakthrough in the fight to prevent cervical cancer and should be considered a routine, normal part of health care.

In order to be effective, the vaccine needs to be given well before someone becomes sexually active and potentially exposed to HPV. The CDC recommends that girls and boys ages 11-12 get the HPV vaccine, but it can be administered to anyone between the ages of 9-26, regardless of sexual activity.

Given the fact that the vaccine is most effective when administered at an early age, parents need to be educated about the vaccine and talk about it with their children. Making a decision with your child to get the HPV vaccine is not a permission slip to begin having sex. Rather, it is a way to prevent disease, just like other childhood vaccinations.

A decision about the HPV vaccine can also serve as an opportunity for parents and their children to have broader conversations about values and sexual health issues. While 11- to 12-years-old may seem young for this conversation, informed adolescents with involved parents are more likely to delay sexual activity. Some suggestions for beginning the conversation:

"I love you and want to keep you safe and protected and that's why I think it's important for you to get the vaccine."

"Although you are too young now and not emotionally or physically mature enough for sexual activity, some day you will be ready and I want you to know all the ways you can protect yourself."

"People usually wait until they are grown up and more mature before they begin having sexual relationships."

Conversations like these aren't always easy, but talking about the HPV vaccine will be easier if you've already broached the topic of sex with your children. Parent education programs like Planned Parenthood League of Massachusetts' (PPLM's) Let's Be Honest: Communication in Families that Keeps Kids Healthy and books like It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie Harris and Michael Emberley can provide you the skills and information you need to have these ongoing conversations about sexuality.

PPLM also offers the HPV vaccine at its seven health centers across the state, as do many pediatricians' offices, and most insurance plans cover it. Contact a PPLM health center or your child's pediatrician in order to learn more about the vaccine and setting up an appointment.

Regular cervical cancer screenings and preventive care such as the HPV vaccine are the keys to combating cervical cancer. As a parent, it's in your power to help keep your children safe from cervical cancer by talking with them and their doctor about the HPV vaccine.

Although guest contributor Sara Cabot of Little Lettice is one of our family food experts, today Sara – a mom of four children approaching or in their tween years - takes a diversion from nutritional content to provide a review of Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids. Read on for Sara’s review, as well as to learn how to be one of 5 winners to receive a copy of Pressured Parents!

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Often I feel just fine about my kids until a casual conversation on the soccer sidelines turns into a comparison fest.

“We go to Kumon once a week,” a mom wearing a Dartmouth sweatshirt told me one day as we watched our kids play. “ I didn’t think I could fit that in, what with Benjamin’s oboe lessons and Cub scouts, but we’re going on Tuesdays, right after soccer.”

“And what are you doing over Christmas vacation?” I ask with masochistic verve.

“We’re sending him to soccer camp in Brazil. And this summer we’re doing our regular road trip. We’ll visit every state capital by the end of junior year. That will give Benjamin great material for his college application essay!” She exclaimed.

“College application essay?” I think, my throat tightening. “But our kids are only 12 years old!”

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This excerpt, taken from Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy Grolnick and Kathy Seal, gave me what I call the “AHH” factor. As in, “Ahh, I’ve had this feeling too!” And you are not alone. Grolnick (a psychologist) and Seal have given this throat-tightening panic a name: Pressured Parent Phenomenon (PPP). Our emotional response to the kind of situation outlined above is caused, the authors say, by our incredibly competitive society whose every facet - be it academic, sports, or the arts - has become rife with pressure to achieve.

Grolnick and Seal have written an exhaustive and well-researched book that explores all the facets of this Pressured Parent Phenomenon: where it comes from, how it is affecting our children, and how we can turn our anxiety into calm guidance.

The authors first explore the context where PPP is flourishing: she asserts that “competition is a defining feature of American schooling,” while “the music world of kids revolves around competitions.” As for sports, the authors quote a sports psychologist who suggests that sports programs operate as “failure factories” that, as time goes on, weed out more and more players. Competition among kids has reached “epidemic proportions” and to extend the metaphor, PPP is contagiously passed from parent to parent like a virus.

Inevitably, we parents are fanning the flames of this competitive culture, rather than putting a dampener on it (which is what we should do). In fact, Grolnick and Seal make no bones about presenting parents as the culprits. They talk about us fighting the “battle for admission” into certain schools from nursery through college. Regarding sports, the authors claim that we “get hooked into the competitive mind-set,” and panic that our children are going to feel bad if they don’t do well. The authors say, rightly I think, that all this competition “is affecting parents as much if not more than children.”

So what can we do about it? How can we parents turn our fears into calm guidance?

The authors outline three tactics, which Grolnick discovered during over 30 years researching this topic: We need to develop our children’s autonomy, competence, and connectedness. This in turn will lead to intrinsic motivation in our children, who will feel empowered to do well because they want to, not because they are told to do so by us.

Grolnick and Seal then devote the rest of this very sensible book to teaching parents how to develop these traits in our children. We need to be “in control” without being “controlling,” thus respecting our kids’ autonomy while setting clear guidelines about their roles and responsibilities. The authors show us how to use praise to boost feelings of competence in our kids by “prais[ing] effort or product, not character,” and that “the most effective praise or feedback is informational: it specifies what children have achieved.” I experienced the “AHH” factor with this suggestion because I hear a lot of parents saying “Great job!” without really specifying what is so great about it. And in these cases, I think children often suspect that the actual action wasn’t so great and that their parents are just saying, “I love you,” which can be annoying.

Grolnick and Seal tell parents that being involved boosts our children’s feelings of connectedness to us and to the world. In a chapter called ‘At Home,’ the authors tell us to hike or knit with our older children, play with blocks or dolls with our younger ones, “or just watch.” Interestingly, she never mentions reading to them, which I think is the number one important thing to do with young kids for myriad reasons.

For me, the authors don’t emphasize enough the importance of starting young on this path of intrinsic motivation. The book feels like a curative for a problem that already is, rather than a preventative for something that has not yet happened. But I think this is because so much of the research is based on case studies of older children.

Ultimately, I found the authors most compelling when they wrote about us adults, rather than the kids. Perhaps it’s because, as stated at the beginning of the book, it is we who are the cause of much of this stress. Or maybe it’s because the authors lost me when they wrote that over-scheduling is OK for some kids (I don’t think it’s ever OK!). Or perhaps it’s because we are closest to what first author Grolnick herself thinks as a parent, rather than as a scientist.

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THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED
Congrats to winners Marion, Sarah, Catherine, Anne, and Kendra!
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Now, want to be one of 5 winners to receive a copy of Pressured Parents? Here’s how:

Visit the Prometheus Books’ new releases section, then email contests@bostonmamas.com (with ‘Pressured Parents’ in the subject), and name another Prometheus book you’d be interested in reading (other than Pressured Parents!).

One entry permitted per person; US entrants only.

Entry period closes at midnight EST, Monday, May 19, 2008.

My mom and I never discussed menstruation (or anything related to sexuality, short of a discussion well into my 20’s where she advised me to beware, that “men have urges”), and that phase of life vividly stands out as one of anxiety (I was a late bloomer), cluelessness (I had but brief, periodic perusals of my pal Kate’s Our Bodies, Ourselves, and general confusion (when my period finally did come I had no gear).

The Dot Girl’s First Period Kit was designed to try to curb these all too frequent female experiences. The pink or blue carry kit ($18) includes a 12-page booklet with answers to common questions about periods, a yearlong calendar to track periods, a small reusable heating pad for soothing cramps, pad and liner samples, and hand wipes. (The case is just a bit too small for standard length tampons, but compact tampons would fit fine.)