Posts tagged Iowa
Transcript: Idiots Out Walking Around
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Yesterday I was in CVS picking up my prescription and a photo that I thought was going to make an awesome Father's Day gift but was just really disappointing instead. I was staring at it, wishing it were much cooler, when a man next to me noticed my Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirt. Following is the exchange between two people being inexplicably rude and only one of them realizing it.

Him: "You know what Iowa stands for?" 

Me: "Yes."

Him: (taken aback) "Uh, I suppose you've heard them all."

Me: "Yes, I spent my entire childhood there."

Him: (not getting it) "You know the best thing to come out of Iowa in the last ten years?"

Me: (allowing myself to stare openly with an incredulous expression on my face) 

Him: I-29!

Me: (continuing to stare as though his brain matter was actively leaking out his ears)

Him: (backpedaling) I hear it's really beautiful in Iowa.

Me: (knits brows in concern)

Him: My friend lives in Iowa. He really likes it there.

Me: (extends neck toward him in disbelief)

Me: (takes my daughter's hand protectively and walks away)

The End


The people who set up my mphoria store think it would be helpful if I pointed out things that I think are cool in there. I said sure, though there can be no pressure of any sort to buy anything. So I put that handy line up there, because you guys all know when things are below the line they are like commercial breaks, right? So anyway, I thought this keyboard duster with total volumized mermaid hair was cute.

There Was a Bit of a Blizzard at Christmas

We went to Iowa for Christmas.

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This was our 2009 contribution to the memory tree.

We arrived just hours before the blizzard.

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I can't put my arms down.

The snow fell for three days straight.

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The little angel in her new snow bed.

It fell and fell and fell, and so we were obligated to go terrace sledding in our insulated coveralls.

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As you do. I love a man in Carharts.

We played and played until her face matched her new Walmart snow pants,which we procured for $12 after realizing we brought the boots and coatand forgot the rest at home.

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Less than enthused when the snow gets in the hood.

 And she screamed and laughed, fearless in the face of snow up to her thighs, and we played Queen of the Mountain and rode saucers over broken cornstalks and ate springerle and stollen and brownies.

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All in all, it was the best Christmas yet.

Party for Girls (and Pa)

This past weekend Beloved flew to Lansing, Michigan for the Iowa Hawkeye game. Surprise win! One of the best ever! I'm so glad he was there. This Hawkeye is proud of the scramblers.

I loaded the little angel into the car on Friday and drove to my parents' house, where Blondie and I watched the entire Jurassic Park trilogy and Wall-E (I was a Wall-E virgin) and spent the weekend making puppets and carving pumpkins and laughing until my sides hurt and cuddling and eating with our parents and my girl. It was awesome.

I got to see all of my local aunts and uncles and two of my cousins. And -- for those of you who follow me on Twitter -- we did make it five hours round-trip with no DVD player. YES WE DID.

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My finger puppet is based loosely on Lauren Conrad. Note the Barbie tanning oil glued to her bikini bottoms. Ahem.

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The little angel's puppet featured freckles.

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The little angel's puppet also had a sequined bustle and had recently taken a spring break vacation to Panama City Beach.

Blondie's is going to be in a textbook, so I'm a little worried about copyright posting the photo.

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So I'll show you her klassy puking pumpkin instead.

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Evil lurks on the farm. It gets VERY DARK in Iowa.

Speaking of which, now that I'm out of swatting distance, I will admit that while I was dicking around helping Pa load his wood pellets for his corn boiler out of the Morton Building, I asked if I could take out the riding lawn mower tractor that I learned to drive on. It's larger than a surburban riding lawnmower, and really should be classified as "tractor." Well, I apparently slowed down too much before I popped the clutch into third, and before I knew it? I was doing a wheelie all the way across my parent's yard. Oops. That was exciting.

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Blondie gave the little angel a princess cowgirl hat, which has totally changed her vision for her Halloween costume. So I just ordered some fake cowgirl boots on the Internets.


Yay, October! It's so important (I think) for couples to have time to play on their own. I'm glad Beloved had his day in the sun, and I had a great time with my family.

Carry on.

And Lest I Forget to Talk About Sister Little
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You might think I'm writing this post about Sister Little because she wrote such nice things about me yesterday.  I can understand why you'd think that. Tit for tat, and all that, except that Blondie and I don't have that kind of a relationship.  She can do a million nice things for me, and I will just laugh and ignore her, and vice versa.  In fact, I have had this post half-written for about six months now, ever since she moved back to Iowa from Chicago and set up shop in Farmhouse Villa, but I was afraid if I wrote it then, she would think I was just trying to pump her up, and that would only serve to piss her off. And really, you don't want to piss my sister off. She can be something of a hellcat.

No, I write this now when she's in a good place and can appreciate it for what it is:  a love letter of sorts.

There's this book I've been reading the little angel about a mouse named Sheila Rae and her little sister, Louise.  Sheila Rae is fearless, and her sister Louise spends a lot of time watching her.  Then one day, fearless Sheila Rae takes a new way home.  Louise trails behind her, out of sight. After a while, Sheila Rae realizes she is lost, completely lost, and she sits down and cries.  Louise pops out from behind a bush and tells Sheila Rae not to worry, because Louise knows the way home.  When they get home, they are both fearless.  That's kind of how I feel about Sister Little.

Growing up, I know Blondie watched me to see how I did things.  Once she got to high school, she pretty much disregarded them, and by college we were barely speaking.  But she calls me a lot for professional advice, and we spent a lot of time together on the phone when she first moved to Chicago and again when she and Rock Star Boyfriend broke up.  Though we've had our ups and downs, we've counted on each other as a sounding board and emotional propper-upper.

As I started working on the book, though, I went to Blondie for professional advice of my own, for I think the first time.  My sister has been in the publishing industry for years.  I envy her this -- I listened to the world when they told me getting a degree in English would get me nowhere, so my undergraduate degree is in communications studies, and it took me five years after college before I realized I HAD TO HAVE that writing degree and went back for a master's.  My fearless little sis got the English degree and accepted no job other than those in the publishing field.  She's currently looking for a new one, and I applaud her singular vision, especially considering she's in Iowa.  It's rough out there for an editor, don't I know it.  It took me more than ten years of working in public relations, advertising and product management to admit DAMMIT I WANT TO BE AN EDITOR and got a job as an editorial manager.   My sister -- straight to the point.

She walked me through how book proposals are viewed on the other side.  She talked me off the ledge when I didn't hear back, or I got rejected.  She lectured me on how the publishing world works, and she cheered accomplishments as small as a signed rejection letter rather than a mimeographed (and I am not kidding about that) half-sheet labeled "Dear Author," as painful to receive as a box checked "no" on the eighth grade "Do you like Rita?" note passed by a boy in study hall.

It's hard to find a new job. It's hard to move, to uproot your entire life, especially a life you shared for years with a guy.  Blondie and Rock Star Boyfriend were together longer than many of my married friends have been with their husbands.  She suffered an emotional divorce when they broke up.  There were times I worried she wouldn't come back from it, but she did.  She took up building dollhouses and growing orchids.  She thrived in her job. She made the decision to move back to Iowa so we could all be closer.  She has a whole house now, with a lawn to mow and everything, which is something I don't know I'd have the balls to take on alone. She's finding a new editorial job in a tough job market.  And she's returned to our tiny hometown as an adult and is making an adult identity for herself there -- again, something I'm not sure I would be able to do.  Louise is walking backwards with her eyes closed and stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, and Sheila Rae is so very impressed.

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Before you do your weekend shopping, read my review of Gorgeously Green on Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews.