The ladybugs I ordered from Amazon arrived a few days ago in the midst of a nose-clogging heat wave. I waited until the little angel got home to open them -- I was so excited and sure she would be, too.

We pried open the package to find a little plastic container filled with wood shavings and 1,500 dead ladybugs.

I shook the container, hoping some would crawl out from under the wreckage.

The little angel shook her head santimoniously. "Their legs are all curled, Mommy. They're dead."

I actually refused to believe this. "They can't all be dead."

I shook the container again.

"I told you not to order live things off the Internet, Mommy."

I stared at her. Since when is my seven-year-old lecturing me on purchase behavior? WTF?

I stalked inside and pulled up Amazon, determined to return the stupid dead ladybugs. Let them have their funeral at an Amazon warehouse. The Amazon return process is pretty amazing -- you fill out some stuff and a Fed Ex guy shows up with a return label and you just hand him the box. The problem is you have to select a reason for return. These were my choices:

I chose "does not work properly."

Because they were dead.

But any of these would've worked, really. Different from what was ordered? Yes. Different from website description? Yes! Missing parts or accessories? Like a heatbeat?  YES! I could go on and on.

So now I guess I have to find some local ladybugs. Any ideas?