Although the school year is just starting to wind down for many families, for others, the summer months represent a major change: the final phase before kindergarten. Today, Heather shares ideas for easing the transition to kindergarten, useful for extroverts and “shy bunnies” alike. Please leave a comment if you have other great tips to share!
From Heather:

“My first born, my sweet little girl will start Kindergarten this fall.

Emma is a shy bunny by nature and generally transitions very slowly to new situations. In fact, at the first mention of Kindergarten, her only comment was, 'No! I am not going!' Obviously, starting school will be a big transition for her so we have already started to prepare for this major life event. After soliciting advice from friends who have already made the leap to Kindergarten, the following are some things that we are doing, or plan on doing this summer, to ease this transition for Emma.

Visit the school before school starts. Take advantage of the required MA pre-screening as an opportunity to take a quick tour and check out the classroom, gym, library, and cafeteria. Even give the bathrooms a try. Bring a camera so your child can take pictures. Frequent the school playground on weekends.

Read and discuss books. I am a huge advocate of using books to stimulate conversation. We have taken a few Kindergarten books out of the library and recommend Annabelle Swift, Kindergartner by Amy Schwartz and Miss Bindergarten Gets Ready for Kindergarten by Joseph Slate.

Plan play dates. Many schools will provide a class list upon request so that parents can schedule play dates. This is a terrific way for your child to get to know new classmates prior to school starting. Some schools like ours also host a summer event for incoming students and their parents.

Shop for school clothes and supplies. Let your child select a special item or two for school use like a backpack or lunch sack. Be sure to test these items yourself so you can be sure that they are easy to open and close.

Talk about what to expect. Emma does better in new situations when she knows what to expect. We talk about all the fun things she will learn and experience in Kindergarten as well as the class routine. Emma is comforted to know that that some routines, such as recess and story time, will be similar to what she experiences in preschool today.

Begin the morning routine a few weeks before school actually starts. We hope that practicing the morning routine will help to make the first days of school easier. Together we will make a list of what she will need to do in order to get to school on time: brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, eat breakfast, put on shoes, catch the bus, etc. Even consider making a dry run of the school bus route.

Practice goodbyes. Emma loves to role-play so I hope this actually works. We will plan what the two of us will say and do when it's time say goodbye. This worked well for preschool. At drop off just as I am about to leave, we dramatically run to each other for one more kiss and say at the same time, ‘One more kiss because we just can’t help it!’ I have also heard that if you give your child the job of (affectionately!) pushing you out of the room - or down the street if they take the bus – it literally puts control of the parting in their hands and makes the transition easier. Also, short and sweet goodbyes are typically best for everyone.”

Today, Tracy offers ideas for timeless toy alternatives:

“My younger son just turned 4. In the weeks preceding his birthday, his grandparents called to ask about gift ideas, and as usual, I found it difficult to generate a list. I realized that part of my difficulty is that my kids don’t really play with toys. Gabriel enjoys sports, and likes to be very ‘real’ in his play (moving action figures around just doesn’t cut it for him). Caius likes pretend play and art (current pretend play favorites include being a waiter or groom; a little challenging to find those trimmings at your average toy store).

The below is a compilation of gift ideas that are meaningful, useful, fun, or timeless when you are “toy tired” or just looking for something out of the ordinary. I’ve also included ways to be creative with some old favorites.

1. Books. Books are always at the top of my list. Look for classics, award winners, or ask your local bookseller for recommendations appropriate to the reading level of the child you are buying for. If you are buying a book gift for another child, buy a book that your own bookworm can’t get enough of. If you’re sure the child doesn’t already have the book (i.e., won’t need to return it), write an inscription on the inside cover.

2. Magazines. It is so cool for kids to get their own mail. We bought gift subscriptions to Chirp (ages 3-6) and Chickadee (ages 6-9) for our kids, and they love when their magazines arrive. There are plenty of other magazines and reading clubs geared to children, several of which have been reviewed here at Boston Mamas (see Highlights and Tessy & Tab reviews).

3. Education funds. We have set up education and other scholarship funds for our boys, and it is always welcome when grandparents and relatives contribute to these. We have requested that if a doting grandparent’s budget exceeds the list of gift ideas we give them that they put the remainder into the education funds. This idea has been very well received.

4. Charitable donations. Make a donation in the child’s name to a charity that has a meaningful association. In our case, this would mean donations to allergy oriented causes given Gabriel’s severe allergies. Caius was born on his great-grandmother’s birthday and she suffered from strokes and heart disease, so donations to those types of organizations are meaningful for us. Other ideas include buying green space, adopting an endangered animal, or supporting another eco-minded charity.

5. Give the gift of experience. Tickets to the theatre, symphony, or other performances or sporting events can be both educational and inspirational. If grandparents don’t live locally, plan ahead to attend one such event when they next visit. Other ways to give experiences are by funding all or part of lessons, activities, or camps. We have recently suggested that helping defray the cost of Gabriel’s piano lessons next school year (when I am on maternity leave) would be very helpful.

6. For the athlete. Along the lines of giving an experience, contributions toward the cost of playing an organized sport, or the gear associated with it, would be useful.

7. For the artist. With avid artists, you can never have enough art supplies, whether it’s crafting clay, paints, paper, etc. - the ideas are limitless! I even heard of a parent who showed up to a birthday party with the cardboard box from her new fridge at the suggestion of the birthday boy’s mother. The box was the hit of the party.

8. For the scientist. Gifts from museums or educational toy stores can include anything and everything from “science labs” to geology gear.

9. For the musician. Investing in child-sized versions of real instruments is a great idea. The child-sized conga drum we got for Christmas gets pulled out for dancing, marching, and sometimes for a kid who just needs to make repetitive noise. Other good ideas are bongo drums, rain sticks, slide whistles, kazoos, harmonicas, and accordions.

10. For the actor. Kids love dress up but costumes can get expensive. Ask relatives for interesting hand me downs, or shop at second hand stores to find items to stock the dress up box. Another great idea for open-ended dress up play is investing in play silks (shown; play silks from Magic Cabin). These colorful pieces of cloth can be transformed into whatever a kid needs: napkin, neckerchief, headscarf, or “twirly” skirt. (Old bridesmaid dresses can also offer another source for dress up clothes.)

11. Reach for the stars. One of the most original and touching gift I’ve ever seen was my sister’s gift to her godchild: naming a star after her. There are many websites that will help you do this, and most give a certificate listing the coordinates of your star. The child may never actually spot their star, but just imagine the sense of awe and “specialness” they will feel looking up and knowing one of those sparkling gems is just for them.”

Although guest contributor Sara Cabot of Little Lettice is one of our family food experts, today Sara – a mom of four children approaching or in their tween years - takes a diversion from nutritional content to provide a review of Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids. Read on for Sara’s review, as well as to learn how to be one of 5 winners to receive a copy of Pressured Parents!

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Often I feel just fine about my kids until a casual conversation on the soccer sidelines turns into a comparison fest.

“We go to Kumon once a week,” a mom wearing a Dartmouth sweatshirt told me one day as we watched our kids play. “ I didn’t think I could fit that in, what with Benjamin’s oboe lessons and Cub scouts, but we’re going on Tuesdays, right after soccer.”

“And what are you doing over Christmas vacation?” I ask with masochistic verve.

“We’re sending him to soccer camp in Brazil. And this summer we’re doing our regular road trip. We’ll visit every state capital by the end of junior year. That will give Benjamin great material for his college application essay!” She exclaimed.

“College application essay?” I think, my throat tightening. “But our kids are only 12 years old!”

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This excerpt, taken from Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy Grolnick and Kathy Seal, gave me what I call the “AHH” factor. As in, “Ahh, I’ve had this feeling too!” And you are not alone. Grolnick (a psychologist) and Seal have given this throat-tightening panic a name: Pressured Parent Phenomenon (PPP). Our emotional response to the kind of situation outlined above is caused, the authors say, by our incredibly competitive society whose every facet - be it academic, sports, or the arts - has become rife with pressure to achieve.

Grolnick and Seal have written an exhaustive and well-researched book that explores all the facets of this Pressured Parent Phenomenon: where it comes from, how it is affecting our children, and how we can turn our anxiety into calm guidance.

The authors first explore the context where PPP is flourishing: she asserts that “competition is a defining feature of American schooling,” while “the music world of kids revolves around competitions.” As for sports, the authors quote a sports psychologist who suggests that sports programs operate as “failure factories” that, as time goes on, weed out more and more players. Competition among kids has reached “epidemic proportions” and to extend the metaphor, PPP is contagiously passed from parent to parent like a virus.

Inevitably, we parents are fanning the flames of this competitive culture, rather than putting a dampener on it (which is what we should do). In fact, Grolnick and Seal make no bones about presenting parents as the culprits. They talk about us fighting the “battle for admission” into certain schools from nursery through college. Regarding sports, the authors claim that we “get hooked into the competitive mind-set,” and panic that our children are going to feel bad if they don’t do well. The authors say, rightly I think, that all this competition “is affecting parents as much if not more than children.”

So what can we do about it? How can we parents turn our fears into calm guidance?

The authors outline three tactics, which Grolnick discovered during over 30 years researching this topic: We need to develop our children’s autonomy, competence, and connectedness. This in turn will lead to intrinsic motivation in our children, who will feel empowered to do well because they want to, not because they are told to do so by us.

Grolnick and Seal then devote the rest of this very sensible book to teaching parents how to develop these traits in our children. We need to be “in control” without being “controlling,” thus respecting our kids’ autonomy while setting clear guidelines about their roles and responsibilities. The authors show us how to use praise to boost feelings of competence in our kids by “prais[ing] effort or product, not character,” and that “the most effective praise or feedback is informational: it specifies what children have achieved.” I experienced the “AHH” factor with this suggestion because I hear a lot of parents saying “Great job!” without really specifying what is so great about it. And in these cases, I think children often suspect that the actual action wasn’t so great and that their parents are just saying, “I love you,” which can be annoying.

Grolnick and Seal tell parents that being involved boosts our children’s feelings of connectedness to us and to the world. In a chapter called ‘At Home,’ the authors tell us to hike or knit with our older children, play with blocks or dolls with our younger ones, “or just watch.” Interestingly, she never mentions reading to them, which I think is the number one important thing to do with young kids for myriad reasons.

For me, the authors don’t emphasize enough the importance of starting young on this path of intrinsic motivation. The book feels like a curative for a problem that already is, rather than a preventative for something that has not yet happened. But I think this is because so much of the research is based on case studies of older children.

Ultimately, I found the authors most compelling when they wrote about us adults, rather than the kids. Perhaps it’s because, as stated at the beginning of the book, it is we who are the cause of much of this stress. Or maybe it’s because the authors lost me when they wrote that over-scheduling is OK for some kids (I don’t think it’s ever OK!). Or perhaps it’s because we are closest to what first author Grolnick herself thinks as a parent, rather than as a scientist.

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THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED
Congrats to winners Marion, Sarah, Catherine, Anne, and Kendra!
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Now, want to be one of 5 winners to receive a copy of Pressured Parents? Here’s how:

Visit the Prometheus Books’ new releases section, then email contests@bostonmamas.com (with ‘Pressured Parents’ in the subject), and name another Prometheus book you’d be interested in reading (other than Pressured Parents!).

One entry permitted per person; US entrants only.

Entry period closes at midnight EST, Monday, May 19, 2008.

When I was a kid, birthday parties were just immediate family, due in part to the facts that: 1) there were barely enough chairs for our household of 7 kids, parents, and grandparents; 2) activities like sleepovers, field trip chaperoning, and friend birthday parties were off my parents’ cultural radar; and 3) our home was in a fairly steady state of disrepair and disarray.

And while Laurel’s birthday guest list tends to be long due to the many wonderful friends and family we have in the area, part of me is acutely aware that the reason I become, for example, a lunatic baker around her birthday is pure residual overcompensation. I don’t need my therapist to tell me that.
My mama pal Erica recently pointed me to Birthdays Without Pressure, an interesting website charged with launching local and national dialog about why children’s birthday parties have gotten out of control, what the consequences are for kids and parents, and what to do about it. In addition to user interactive elements, they offer a host of ideas for reducing party pressure. I also learned from a friend of Erica’s (thanks Amy from Northampton!) of some terrific pressure-free party ideas, including having joint parties for playgroup pals, and forgoing presents in favor of book swaps, a kids recipe exchange, giving flower seeds for a garden, or – and I love this one – asking each friend to bring a picture to make a buddy collage for the birthday child.

Coping with sibling rivalry is an expected part of the parenting journey, but what a drag for one of my mama pals that their first experience with rivalry presented itself in the form of poop smeared all over the crib formerly belonging to the older sibling, likely not coincidentally following the baby sister’s first snooze in the crib.

ParentCenter and AskDrSears offer useful advice on how to cope with sibling rivalry by preparing and involving the older sibling before and after the baby arrives. Related to my friend’s experience, ParentCenter notes that aggressive behavior, particularly from 2 year olds, is common. It seems that communication will be the big challenge; you need to find a way to encourage the sibling to talk about their feelings of jealousy and anger and relate that it is normal to feel this way (but not acceptable to act out towards the younger sibling), while curbing your own fuming and potential urge to punish (which could invoke more aggressive behavior). Click here for our post on time-outs, which may serve well in situations like this.

A feverish child has left me a little behind the eight ball the last few days, so I’m behind in reporting on a recent New York Magazine article on the effects of praising kids. Local reader Melanie from Arlington wrote in highly recommending not only checking out the article, but also listening to the NPR On Point interview with Po Bronson, the author of the New York Magazine article, and Carol Dweck, the lead on the research study that provided the catalyst for the feature.
Dweck’s experiments, based out of Columbia University, found that praising for effort vs. intelligence on problem solving tasks significantly influenced motivation and subsequent performance, and not in a good way for those praised for intelligence. This body of work – which held across socioeconomic and gender differences – strongly supports the psychological construct that praise, self-esteem, and performance rise and fall in tandem. And while some parents and educators stand by their praise of aptitude, Dweck’s data and other subjective reports suggest that being gifted - and perpetuating the need for perfection through praise - can cause a child to under perform due to fear of failure and embarrassment.

This feature struck a related chord. Back in middle and high school I under performed academically because I desperately wanted to be cool and not fulfill Asian stereotypes (playing the violin already was a strike against me here). And literally days before this feature came out, Jon expressed concern about this very topic, wondering whether we should ease off of our praise of Laurel's various accomplishments. At this point, the developmental milestones and language development come so fast and furiously that praise and amazement are reflexive. But this report certainly gave me pause, wondering whether we ought to translate our potty mantra to other parenting arenas, by playing it cool and commending the effort, not necessarily the outcome.

Never was the difference between the handling of boys vs. girls more humorously apparent than during a park visit a while back. I held Laurel’s hand as she crossed a suspended balance beam repeating, “Go slowly Laurel, be careful!” (The suspension cables looked particularly unforgiving.) Minutes later, as we crossed the next obstacle, we saw a father jumping up and down alongside his son (who was of a similar toddler/preschooler size) at the balance beam, saying “Go! Go! Go! Run across as fast as you can!”

No doubt boys and girls are raised differently, and they also have different needs, some of which have trouble getting fulfilled in our current societal structure. This topic has not escaped the pros, and this morning, Jon (my husband) steps in with a guest post, offering his impressions of the PBS documentary Raising Cain: Boys in Focus.
“It’s a strange time to be a boy in America. Male stereotypes of the past generally (and happily) have gone by the wayside, but haven’t found a good replacement. Most boys do not have male role models at daycare or in school. And when they look at the wider world, whom do they see? Kobe Bryant? Bill Gates? George Bush? It’s pretty slim pickings.

In the PBS documentary Raising Cain: Boys in Focus, Boston-area psychologist Michael Thompson (co-author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys) examines many of the challenges facing boys and their parents. He presents a range of stories that span infant development to high school graduation, and that come from poor urban communities as well as wealthy suburbs. The stories are informative, poignant, and sometimes troubling. We get a hopeful glimpse inside an alternative all-boys school in New York where boys are taught that intelligence and creativity are virtues. But we also see a football coach intensely berating a young boy for crying. We see a boy who can’t sit still long enough to make it through a class. And we meet a teenager who is on the brink of going to prison, walking on the edge of a criminal life.

Thompson presents a number of compelling ideas, some of which seem counter-intuitive. He says that we need to not be scared off by boys’ tendencies toward seemingly violent play because, for most boys, play violence is not a precursor of real violence. He points out that our school systems are demanding longer and longer periods of quiet, focused activity, which tend to be more difficult for boys. And most critically, he says that boys need adults in their lives who can help them learn to recognize and express their emotions.”

PBS offers Raising Cain on DVD, with or without a companion text; their raising boys resource page also offers borrows from the Raising Cain video and book.

Fast and furious developmental changes are par for the course with preschoolers, but Laurel really blew my doors off the other day when she started coloring within the lines.

I was fulfilling requests to draw ice cream cones on the Aquadoodle; after I drew a cone with sprinkles, Laurel grabbed the water pen and slowly started filling in all the blank spaces around the sprinkles, staying within the borders, until the entire scoop was colored in. I was both amazed and mildly concerned, given the bad rap that coloring within the lines can get. The psychologist in me couldn't help but wonder whether anyone has probed relations between coloring rigidity and personality traits.
The topic doesn’t appear to be keeping academics up at night, and the age at which kids learn to color within the lines seems to vary greatly. I myself don’t particularly believe that the specific ability to color within the lines is all that important given that fine motor control can be achieved by many types of play. But something that may be of interest to parents who are frustrated by the confines of coloring books is Susan Striker’s collection of creativity books (for ages 6 to 60!). In particular, her anti-coloring book series (click here for the first book in the series) has a long and devoted following.

Parents always look distraught when their babe grabs a toy out of another babe’s hand, or exercises a death grip on an object when it is suggested that they share. But parents ought not to be so hard on themselves and think that their babe is destined to be greedy; self-centeredness is a natural stage of development and it takes time to learn what sharing is all about.

Dr. Cathryn Tobin’s article “Sharing: 14 Ways to Get Your Child to Play Fair” offers helpful guidance. She outlines common mistakes made when attempting to teach kids to share, offering insights into the long-term implications of well meant parental actions such as forcing a child to share or prying a toy out of a child’s hands. She then offers concrete actions to teach kids to share, including ways to model good behavior for your babe while understanding their developmental limits.

Dr. Tobin is the author of the well-rated book The Parent's Problem Solver: Smart Solutions for Everyday Discipline Dilemmas and Behavioral Problems ($13.95 at Amazon).