As much as I love being a resource provider, I’ve been wanting to integrate more personal voice into Boston Mamas for a while. I'll soon share how that will work in terms of community submissions (yay!); meanwhile, I wanted to share a personal post today. It's Violet's third birthday and though it has been a challenging and surprising three years in many ways, I have also learned so much. I'm sharing my thoughts in the form of a letter:

+ + + + +

Dear Violet,

I know it sounds trite, but I truly can’t believe you’re three today. As I was thinking about your third birthday, I went back and read the posts (and incredible, supportive comments) about my feelings of failure around infertility, the pregnancy announcement, and your 58-hour labor and delivery. All of the emotions along this winding trajectory were so palpable that I can close my eyes and relive them immediately. Invariably, I find myself teary.

People often ask how you differ from Laurel. In a nutshell, you two are like night and day, but my typical adjectives are fiery, independent, and (sorry, Sheryl Sandberg) bossy. And while I’ve sometimes (OK, often) found myself overwhelmed by these characteristics -- they’re simply so different than what I have known with Laurel -- I’ve come to realize the positives too. I think I've been doing a disservice to you by emphasizing the challenges associated with your personality traits and I'm sorry about that. Here’s why:

You taught me not to be afraid of anger. I grew up in a household where angry outbursts were the norm; this made me run the other direction and never allow my anger to come to the surface. When faced with conflict with your Dad, I would shut down in fear. Subsequently, your fiery nature used to bewilder and scare me at times. But I have learned from you that anger has many dimensions. It can be short lived. It can be rooted in nonsense. There's still love on the other side of anger. I’m no longer afraid of it.

Your independence pays off. Sometimes it has been hard to support your independence when, say, I’m trying to get us out the door and you freak out unless I wait for you to put your shoes on a certain way. But the reality is, your independent nature translated to you potty training in a week. You can get dressed by yourself. You take pride in completing chores on your own. I would be crazy not to celebrate these things.

What I used to call bossy I now will refer to as your clear sense of purpose and process. You know what you want and how you want it. You move through the world with purpose. You are protective of your personal space. I respect these things. Let's face it: I am these things too.

You know the power of your voice. You are growing up as the littlest one in a family of talkers. I now know that your meltdowns about being the first to speak reflect frustration about not being heard and not being a part of the conversation. Your daycare progress report recently came back saying that at circle time, it’s typical of the kids to mimic one another when they report about what they did that weekend. Your teachers said that in contrast, you never do that; instead, you always reply with your own answer, clearly and with detail. It brought tears to my eyes to think that by age 2 you had already found your voice. In some ways, I feel as if I’m just finding mine.

Violet, you have taught me so much in these three years and I'm sure there are many lessons to come. And just as I often ask you to be patient, I'm reminding myself to be patient too. We're both perfectly imperfect and helping one another grow. I love you and will celebrate both your fiery independence and what lives on the other end of your emotional spectrum: a pure, bright, and infectious joy that lights up my days.

Love, Mom

Reviewing airline safety protocol. As two-year-olds do.

Image credits: Christine Koh

It's been a while since I've posted a Dear Boston Mamas query and I'm thrilled to do so today! Reader Debbie (mom of two, ages 4 and 6) wrote in to ask about chores; specifically, how to get her kids to do them, whether there should be allowance tied to chores, and what kinds of special privileges seem appropriate and will make doing chores feel like a positive milestone. Here are my thoughts; thanks for writing in Debbie!:

+ + + + +

As readers of Minimalist Parenting know, I feel very strongly about kids doing chores! Chores represent a double parenting win: by building them into your family routine and system, you are equipping your child with essential life skills (you do not want your kid to leave the nest and be clueless about how to toast a bagel or do laundry!) AND delegating so you're not shouldering all of the chores. I have found the below 8 tips on how to get kids to do chores particularly effective:

1. Be matter of fact about the job. Present chores in an emotionally uncharged and non-negotiable way. Your kids may bristle about housework, but simply be matter of fact about it and express that since they are a part of the household, they also need to help with housework. End of story.

2. Offer options. One of the simplest ways to make parenting easier is to offer options. For example, instead of asking, “Will you set the table?” (which conveys that the task is negotiable) ask, “Would you like to set the table or prep the salad?” Kids like to feel like they have control; giving them choice does that.

3. Meet them where they’re at. Kids will get frustrated if you present them with tasks that are too hard then freak out if they make mistakes. Check out this chore chart for some ideas about kids and chores by age. Remember, as soon as kids are verbal, they can help. Case in point: 2-year-old Violet knows to bring her plate to the sink at the end of a meal!

4. Embrace imperfection. When you start kids off with chores, they probably won’t do it as perfectly as you want. Embrace it and let them make mistakes and work on their skills. Give helpful tips if need be but don’t hover or yell at them if they don’t do things perfectly. I used to be uptight about kitchen tasks, wanting vegetables to be uniformly cut or cookies perfectly shaped. But I let go of that and Laurel has developed the skills on her own. She now makes us dinner on occasion and can bake chocolate layer cake (and many other things) from scratch! WIN!

5. Make it fun. Especially with younger kids, it’s easy to turn chores into a game. For example, give your kids a spray bottle of water and a rag and have them find all the spots to clean on the floor. They’ll love being able to spray things! Turn on some music while you work to amp up the fun.

6. Do chores together. Use chore time as together time; you tackle the grownup tasks while the kids take care of their chores. I've found with Laurel (now 9) that it's often easier for her to talk to me about challenging things when we're working side by side on chores vs. sitting across the table from each other making eye contact. So, chores as together time can also offer a unique window for communication.

7. Build in incentives. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe in paying for everyday chores but you can incentivize in other ways. Completion of chores can unlock other privileges (e.g., a special snack, story, or game) or one thing we’ve done with Laurel is offer a small payment if she wants to do a task that seems out of the ordinary.

8. Keep at it. If your kids belly ache about chores, don’t give up! Keep building it into your routine and they will eventually get it. I used to ask Laurel every day to make sure she did her homework and emptied her lunchbox and school papers. And then a couple of months into the school year I realized I couldn’t remember when I last asked her to take care of these tasks. With persistence, Laurel learned to build those tasks into her daily routine. It took a lot of reminders but now it is utter bliss to have her own those tasks!

Do you have other chore methods that have worked well for your family? Feel free to share in the comments! And if you have a Dear Boston Mamas query for Christine, drop her a line at editor@bostonmamas.com.

Image credits: Christine Koh

So, as much as I try to march my kids outdoors for fresh air, sometimes the weather dictates that we need to stay inside. And if it's a long cold stretch, all the books have been read, all the games have been played, and we don't need a fourth batch of cookies. Subsequently, today I'm thrilled to share another sponsored editorial collaboration with Bright Horizons (be sure to read the first, on 7 things to know about everyday play...it is totally awesome). All focused on indoor fun, the importance of play, and SCIENCE!

For this post, I decided to challenge (read: attempt to stump) Lindsay McKenzie (director of soon-to-open Bright Horizons at Brookline) on science activities using everyday household products. Because let's face it, on the millionth snow day, it's all about use-what-you-have mode! Let's see how she does!

Lindsey, let's start with SHAVING CREAM. We know it's great for man faces, but what’s a cool science activity you can create with shaving cream?

Well, first off I always start science experiments by reminding children that they should never eat or drink anything that they are using in the experiment. Shaving cream might look tasty but it can make you sick if you ingest it.

(Experiment 1) Shaving cream can be used for many different experiments. If you’re working with older children you can use it to represent clouds and with a little food coloring you can make rain. All you need is shaving cream, blue food coloring, cold water, and a clear cup. Fill the cup ¾ with water, spray some shaving cream on top, then squeeze a few drops of food coloring on top of the shaving cream. The shaving cream acts like a cloud while the food coloring becomes the rain. The “cloud” becomes so heavy with “rain” that eventually the rain passes through the cloud and falls to earth.

(Experiment 2) For younger children it’s a great way to experiment with texture. Have you ever made a family of snow people in your kitchen? Add a little baby powder to the shaving cream and you’ll create a fluffy moldable snow colored substance to play with all year round.

OK, how about CORNSTARCH? It's helpful as a thickening agent when cooking and awesome to make chalk paint during the warm weather. What science experiments can you do with cornstarch?

(Experiment 3) The go-to science exploration with cornstarch is oobleck. Most substances change states when we change the temperature, like freezing water into ice or boiling it into steam. But cornstarch and water change with pressure. Oobleck and other pressure-dependent substances, like silly putty or quicksand, are not liquids such as water or oil. They are known as non-Newtonian fluids. This name actually came from a Dr. Seuss book called Bartholomew and the Oobleck. Add a little water to corn starch and you create a fun goopy substance that will give you infant through kindergartner hours of sensory fun.

How about BAKING SODA? Essential for making baked goods rise, and also one of my favorite natural cleaning ingredients. What's a good use for baking soda science project-wise?

(Experiment 4) We all remember the baking soda volcano but did you know you can use baking soda to make invisible ink? Mix about 1/4 cup of baking soda and 1/4 cup of water. Then use a Q-tip or paint brush to write on a piece of paper. Let it dry. To read the secret message, paint grape juice concentrate across the paper with a brush or a sponge. The acid in the grape juice reacts with the baking soda and like magic your secret message appears!

(Experiment 5) Want to make spaghetti dance? All you need is uncooked spaghetti, 1 cup of water, 2 teaspoons of baking soda, 5 teaspoons of vinegar, and a tall clear glass. Put water and baking soda in the glass. Stir until the baking soda is dissolved. Break spaghetti into 1-inch pieces. Put about 6 pieces in the glass. They will sink to the bottom. Add vinegar to the mixture in the glass. Add more vinegar as the action starts to slow down.

Let's move on to ALKA-SELTZER; classically useful for heartburn and indigestion. Assuming you don't need it for heartburn or indigestion, what's a good science-y use for Alka-Seltzer?

(Experiment 6) My favorite Alka-Seltzer experiment is the film tube rocket. What happens when you have a build-up of carbon dioxide? Kids love to talk about gas. Seal the end of the cardboard tube with several pieces of duct tape or use a plastic tube with one end sealed. Divide the Alka-Seltzer into four equal pieces. Fill the film canister one-half full with water (if you can find a film canister today). Place one of the pieces of Alka-Seltzer tablet in the film canister and quickly snap the lid on the container. Turn the film canister upside down and slide it (lid first) into the tube. Point the open end of the tube AWAY from yourself and others and wait for the pop. Instead of the lid flying off, the bottom of the film canister shoots out of the tube and flies across the room.

(Experiment 7) The lava lamp is a fun one too. Oil and water do not mix. If you try to shake up the bottle filled with both the oil just breaks up into small drops. The water sinks to the bottom and the oil floats to the top. Oil floats on the surface because water is heavier than oil. The Alka-Seltzer tablet reacts with the water to make carbon dioxide. These bubbles attach themselves to the water and cause them to float to the surface. When the bubbles pop, the color sinks back to the bottom of the bottle.

And my last one: SALT. Enhances the taste of food. I gift a magical version every holiday season. What are some good experiments using salt?

(Experiment 8) You can make lava lamps with salt too!  Fill the glass about 3/4 full of water. Add about 5 drops of food coloring. Slowly pour the vegetable oil into the glass. Sprinkle the salt on top of the oil. Watch blobs of lava move up and down in your glass!

(Experiment 9) Density can be a difficult scientific property to grasp, that's why we like making it colorful, fun, and (most importantly) simple! The Salt Water Density Straw is the epitome of kitchen science! You need six cups. In each of the six cups, add one of six different amounts of salt: 1 tsp, 2 tsp, 3 tsp, 4 tsp, 5 tsp, 6 tsp. With the salt in each cup, add 9 oz of warm water. Stir the solution until all of the salt has dissolved. Using food coloring, make the water in each cup a different color. Now you need a clear drinking straw. With your thumb off of the straw's opening, dunk the opposite end of the straw into the "1 tsp" solution. "Cap" the straw with your thumb and remove the straw from the solution. Now that you have the first solution in the straw, dip the end of the straw into the "2 tsp" solution. Dip the straw further, this time, than you did into the first solution. Once you've dipped the straw, remove your thumb and quickly replace it. Remove the straw and you should have the first and second solutions in a stack inside of the straw. Continue the dipping process until you have all six solutions inside of the straw. It's a density column of salt water! Remove your thumb and start all over again!

Well, I totally didn't stump Lindsey but that's OK because now you have 9 awesome science experiments to try with your kids! Enjoy!

+ + + + +

Bright Horizons is a leading provider of high-quality early education and preschool programs. Their Brookline location (138 Harvard Street) will open March 2014 and offer infant - kindergarten prep programs. Want to learn more? Bright Horizons will host hard hat tours: Friday, February 21, 2014 (10am - 5pm), Thursday, February 27, 2014 (12-7pm), Tuesday, March 4, 2014 (12-7pm). No RSVP needed; all are invited.

Image credits: Bright Horizons; compilation graphic by Christine Koh

Hello everyone, I hope you're enjoying a lovely weekend! Things are pretty lovely and mellow here; the girls are crafting, the snow is falling, and we're hoping to get out and finally see Frozen later today. If you're looking for some good reads/visuals, I've got you covered in this week's edition of Hey Internet, Keep Being Awesome:

- 25 happiest cities in Canada (according to Instagram).

- #9 on this list of 10 cities where you're most likely to achieve the American dream! 

- Middle School: not so bad.

- The important thing about yelling.

- Animals sitting on capybaras.

- Redefining girly.

- This is what happens when a kid leaves traditional education.

- On click bait headlines. And baby rhinos.

- Reforming a picky eater: step one.

- What the most iconic women’s figure skaters are up to now.

- Give motherhood a microphone...in Boston.

- I’m Queen Amidala, who are you?

- 10 houseplants that clean indoor air.

Image credit: Pinterest

Probably due to my denial about the summer's end, I'm a little stunned that today is Laurel's first day of school (and other than some morning grumbling, it went off without a hitch...no tears at drop off!). I know many of you have already started the school year or are starting this week so I wanted to share a few of my favorite tips for making mornings easier, plus some excellent back posts to help with transitions. Because experience with Laurel has taught me that transition can be easy (last year) or challenging over many months (two years ago). Good luck everyone!

Here are five tips to making mornings easier:

1. Wake up 10 minutes earlier. Without fail, whenever we give ourselves 10 extra minutes of breathing room, mornings feel more calm.

2. Prep two days of lunches at a time. We find that lunch making is less painful in the mornings when some of the pieces are already in place a couple of days a week. On Mondays and Wednesdays I pack Laurel's fruit and vegetable containers and set aside snack options (e.g., yogurt, granola bars) for two days. I'll make the main course (e.g., sandwich, mac and cheese, etc.) fresh the morning of school depending on what Laurel is in the mood for.

3. For those with kids with long hair. Laurel has very long hair and it's prone to major tangling. And dealing with a super snarly head in the morning is time consuming and does not help morning grouchiness. I comb out her hair the night before (and sometimes braid the hair) to minimize morning tangles.

4. Lay out clothes the night before. This is an easy task that you can have your kids take care of. They'll love the autonomy and it will help avoid clothing battles in the morning. I also recommend being OK with whatever your kid picks (i.e., not worrying about things matching) so long as the clothing is weather appropriate. Laurel tends to pick combos of patterns and colors that I might not assemble but if the clothes make her happy and make for an easier transition, why pick a fight when it's really not necessary?

5. Remain calm. I feel as if I give this advice a lot when it comes to parenting but it never fails me! I find that if I get sucked into the drama and get cranky in response to Laurel's behavior, the bad mojo escalates, whereas when I can remain calm and redirect, we can diffuse the situation quickly.

Do you have other tips? I'd love to hear them in the comments below!

And here's some great back reading regarding back to school transitions:

Fall structure strategies

Easing back to school jitters

Kindergarten transition tips, part I

Kindergarten transition tips, part II

Back to school books

The keepsake item that helped Laurel make it through her first year of elementary school

Image credit: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today, from parent educator Hetti Wohlgemuth of Alphabet Soup 4 Parents, because it’s never too late to resolve to communicate better:

Earlier this month, Bob and I listened to an NPR show about making and keeping resolutions. The advice? Keep resolutions to a bare minimum and keep resolutions specific. While resolutions such as losing weight, becoming a better tennis player, and communicating more effectively are all good in theory, these resolutions raise red flags. They’re too general. However, resolution number three is critical to me -- I believe that good communication is the underpinning of all great relationships (and certainly parent-child partnerships) -- so I want to break it down into smaller, more tangible components.

Resolution #1. Learn to accept your kid’s feelings. We need not (and shouldn’t) accept all of our kids’ behaviors, but we do need to acknowledge and authenticate their feelings. Kids have a right to their feelings and denying them definitely won’t help anybody. And apparently it works for grownups too. Over the holidays I started to rant about my brother to one of my daughters. I stopped and said, “I guess this all sounds so childish to you.” She responded, “Not at all, Mom. Your feelings are your feelings and nobody can take those away from you. At least that’s what you always told us.” And magically, when she uttered those sentences, my feelings dissipated. Really. There is power in the simple act of acceptance.

Resolution #2. When attempting to comfort and communicate, avoid clichés and long winded advice. Children rarely want advice and if they do, they’ll ask for it. And it’s much healthier to listen and allow kids to figure out their own next baby or big steps. My father was a very caring dad but he had a propensity to repeat clichés that ended up sounding dismissive, and a propensity to offer plenty of ill-fitting advice. He meant well, but the advice was based on what suited his -- not my -- style. Simply let your kids know you hear and support them, and perhaps give them a little prompt in problem solving by asking what they think a good solution would be. Kids and adults feel better about themselves when they come up with their own solutions.

Resolution #3. Children’s messages often come coded and we need to resolve to uncode them (via Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child). When Bob and I were eating breakfast in NYC, sitting at the table next to us was a mom, her three-year-old daughter, and the mom’s friend, eating breakfast while the mom and friend talked and talked and talked. After a while the little girl wearied of playing with her doll and started to whine and cry, louder and louder. The child was not misbehaving, simply communicating in her own code that she was through with her toy, breakfast, and the restaurant. The mom deciphered the message and wrapped things up; things could have had a much less happy ended had the mom not decoded the message and responded appropriately.

Resolution #4. Resolve to get more self-care. Communicating effectively is productive but sometimes requires good concentration. And we can’t concentrate well if we are stressed and not taking care of our own needs. Last fall, First Lady Michelle Obama said that women can’t take care of others until they take care of themselves. She’s right about that. You know what to do: take a walk, a hot bath, a yoga class, breathe deeply, share babysitting, and maybe even get a manicure.

+ + + + +

Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today, Tracy shares tips to help soothe sensitive souls:

When our second son was born, he wailed from the moment I brought him up to my chest. He wailed through his first bath, an experience his older brother had loved. He wailed for the first three months we put him in his car seat. Snow suit? Wailed. Hiring a babysitter? Cue the wailing. At nearly every turn, tearfulness and sobbing were part and parcel of his experience. I realized very early that I had an emotionally sensitive kid on my hands.
In my private practice, I often talk to my clients about the two main tasks in managing an emotional experience. One has to be able to tolerate a certain amount of emotion (usually negative); this involves the ability to identify and understand the emotion as well as link it with relevant experience(s). One also has to be able to regulate the emotion; this is the ability to modulate or control the intensity and timing of our reaction, as well as whether or not we express is outwardly or hold it in. I think of these processes as sliders on a music producer’s mixing board. They can move independently of each other, yet are very much related. For example, if someone has high tolerance and high regulation of emotion, others are not likely to know much about their emotional experience. They can take a lot and are likely able to control the expression of this emotion so well that it seems hardly to make a blip on their radar. One can also have high tolerance and low regulation, or vice versa.

If, however, someone has both low tolerance and low regulation of their emotional state, you are likely to know every single thing that bothers them no matter how seemingly trivial it is. This is our son. It takes very little to send him into a flurry of tears, and they are often loud. His reactions can often seem so out of proportion to what is going on that it’s frustrating to try and help him through it. This year has been particularly hard on him. We’ve realized that in addition to being emotionally sensitive, he is also likely easily overstimluated by sensory stimuli that others are able to tolerate with a minimum of distress. Loud noises (he wears industrial hearing protection when we vacuum), bulky or wrinkly clothing, and too many people are too much for him. Add to this his tendency to worry excessively about what will happen if he misses me during the day, and you’ve got a recipe for leg-clinging, tear-filled, angst-ridden transitions, drop-offs, and new classes.

I believe that the best way to help my son is to empower him with strategies that work. He needs to learn ways that he can calm himself and feel competent in his ability to do this, so that he is not overwhelmed by every single thing that is new or loud. It is heart-wrenching to watch him struggle, but he is also my best example of courage in the face of fear. Here is what I have done/said/used to help him start on the path of self-soothing.

Find out his perception of events. My biggest lesson in this experience has been that what I think is going on and what he is taking from situations can be two vastly different things. It does not matter if his take is factually correct or not. It is what it is.

Ask what he thinks will help. I was shocked and amazed that my son came up with a rewards strategy for encouraging him to stick with his martial arts classes. He really, really wants to be a ninja, but the classes can be overwhelming for him. He typically has fun by the end of class, but each one starts out with a nervous tummy, feelings of anxiety, and yes, tears. We employed a classic sticker chart, more as a way to track his “acts of bravery” than to reward him for going specifically, but he is proud of his ability to overcome his nerves.

Teach calming alternative responses. This has been far and away the most successful strategy employed. I taught him the same breathing technique I teach clients in my private practice, which is easy enough even for a 5-year-old child to use as needed. The Perfect Breath goes like this: Breathe in for a count of 3, hold briefly at the top, then breathe out for a count of 3. It’s perfect because when you hold at the top, that is the moment when you are no longer in need of more oxygen, and don’t yet need to exhale excess carbon dioxide. This technique has the effect of slowing down breathing in a manageable, easy to implement way. The trick is to practice is when you’re not anxious. That way your body associates that rhythm with being non-anxious and the response will be quicker when you need to use it in a situation.

Encourage dialogue about what’s happening internally. What are the physical sensations that go along with the emotion? Does it have a visual image such as a color, shape, or texture? Putting tangible words to the larger more amorphous concept of emotions helps us to not only feel that emotions can be managed, but also that they can be recognized. It’s easier to breathe away a red circle of nervousness or a tickly, tumbly tummy than to “deal with anxiety.”

Explore the difference between emotions in the moment and emotional memories. For me, a big realization was that even the idea or memory of an emotion (e.g., missing me during the day, or anticipating being nervous about martial arts) was enough to trigger a full-blown emotional meltdown for my son. Talking with him about what was a memory versus what was actually happening at that moment was key in helping him feel more in control of what he experienced.

Have a plan for expected or unavoidable situations. This year’s biggest hurdle was practicing fire drills. The emotional intensity of this experience combined with the very loud bell positioned just outside the kindergarten room door added up to a horribly negative spiral of tears and wailing. Knowing that this drill was to be repeated several times leading up to the fire marshal’s inspection meant we needed a way to tackle this, and fast. Our plan was simple: deal with the sensory overload as best we could and use as many calming alternative responses as necessary. We decided that as soon as the bell sounded, he would cover his ears, and take a few breaths. This was a way to keep his mind clear enough to use visual imagery to distract himself a bit. He chose to think of something happy (my face) or funny (his baby sister running away from her diaper after a bath). He understood that it was okay to cry if he needed to.

Overall, it has been several weeks of hard work as we’ve spent endless hours exploring, experiencing, and discussing his emotions and sensory issues. I am pleased to say, though, that he has made it through the last three fire drills very successfully (on two occasions, NO tears!). It has been most gratifying to watch his and my efforts pay off as he approaches new situations and I can see him breathing to calm himself, and to listen to the note of pride in his voice as he reports on his successes at school. Mostly, I am feeling good about the fact that he is armed with coping strategies that many adults aren’t skilled at using and can employ them at such a tender age. I’m hopeful that these strategies and his knowledge of himself will serve him well as he transitions through the rest of his school years, and into adulthood. And I hope those of you who parent similarly sensitive souls will find these tips useful.

+ + + + +

Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

November is Prematurity Awareness Month and this year Bloggers Unite is partnering with the March of Dimes in support of the Fight for Preemies. The goal of the campaign is to have 500 bloggers post about a baby they love on or before Prematurity Awareness Day (November 17) to create awareness of the ongoing need for prematurity research funding. Today, in support of the campaign and in my role as a March of Dimes mom, I’m sharing the story of my niece Alyssa, with heartfelt gratitude to her parents for their candor and willingness to have me write this post.

+ + + + +

My brother George and his wife Estelle were the first in our family to get pregnant. It was not an easy course (multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization were required) but there was so much joy when we all learned that they were expecting twins. But then there was heartache. Estelle’s pregnancy progressed well up to week 20; healthy heartbeats were detected at her 20 week ultrasound. However, at the 21 week ultrasound, only one heartbeat was present: Twin B (Alyssa). The heartbeat for Twin A (Phoebe) could not be detected and at that stage, there was nothing to do but continue to carry both babies to delivery.

At 29 weeks, Estelle’s water broke in Phoebe's sac and labor started. Estelle was admitted to the hospital and the medical team attempted to hold off Alyssa’s delivery. At 30 weeks Phoebe was delivered stillborn vaginally and Alyssa was delivered via C-section. Alyssa weighed 3 lbs, 8 oz and was 15 inches in length. She remained in the NICU for 5 weeks. While in the NICU, Alyssa was on CPAP, had apnea and jaundice, required a blood transfusion, and caught a staph infection. She was discharged healthy but later required Early Intervention to cope with delays in physical and receptive language skills. The cause of Phoebe’s death was unknown.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget my visit to see Alyssa at the NICU. At the time, I really hadn’t been around many babies, much less tiny and frail ones. I was both eager to see her and also scared and uncertain. I didn’t want to do anything that could possibly hurt or infect her so as I crouched next to her isolette, overwhelmed by both the site of her and the stress and sadness George and Estelle both carried, I did the only thing a music and brain scientist could think to do: I sang. Softly, melodically, and with tears in my eyes.

That brief yet powerful moment in time will never leave me. It shaped my work when I was in academia (I helped launch a research program to evaluate the effects of music to help soothe stress responses of premature babies during medical procedures) and it has shaped my commitment to causes via Boston Mamas (such as raising funds for the March for Babies and becoming a March of Dimes mom). I felt such gratitude – and perhaps a little guilt too – when I sailed to term (actually, beyond term: 42 weeks) with Laurel. I cried during my delivery because I had been planning on and hoping for a natural delivery and instead underwent an emergency C-section. But I kept reminding myself that I was enormously lucky. My girl was coming out and she was fine. Estelle had to face delivering a premature and a stillborn baby. My heart aches just thinking about her experience.

Alyssa is now 6 years old. She is thriving (actually, maybe more than thriving; I can barely keep up with her…) and rarely gets sick. She’s developmentally totally on track (she actually skipped a grade) and runs, jumps, plays, and pirouettes with the best of them. And with the love and dedication of her parents, I don’t think she will ever forget Phoebe, or the fact that a lot of people have worked very hard to ensure her health, development, and happiness.

Estelle related to me that at the time of Alyssa’s birth, the March of Dimes did not have a large presence at their NICU. Since then, the MoD has developed a large presence through the work of a program called CNAC (Chapter-NICU Action Committee) in conjunction with their NICU Family Support program. Many changes have been implemented to make the NICU more family centered; bereavement support also now is offered. And while all of this change no doubt leads to some longing and bittersweet emotions, instead of lingering on wishing for things that could have been when Alyssa was in the NICU, Estelle has become active with this MoD program to help it continue to grow and thrive. And George is the driving force behind raising funds for their annual March for Babies walk.

I have so much love and admiration for George, Estelle, and Alyssa (and for little Phoebe, who I wish we all could have seen grow up alongside Alyssa). I am honored to tell their story here and I hope you will consider sharing it, and/or your own, in support of the Fight for Preemies.

Following PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody’s post about engaging GLBTQ kids in conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity, we received a comment from reader Jen, asking about guidelines on having these conversations with straight kids. I am grateful to Amy for kindly providing follow up material on this topic:

From Amy Cody:

Children learn about sexual orientation at a young age from media, the playground, and friends. It’s far better for a parent and child to talk about issues like sexual orientation when the child is young and before she or he gets misinformation and is exposed to prejudice. Unfortunately, the words “gay,” “fag,” and “queer” remain three of the most common put-downs among youth from elementary school through adulthood. Talking with kids from a young age about sexual orientation will help them to deal with fears, prejudices, and the misinformation they will eventually be exposed to.

Heterosexual as well as homosexual youth can suffer the consequences of unchecked anti-homosexual bias and prejudice. William Pollack, author of Real Boys, has come to see anti-homosexual attitudes as compounding the inhibition heterosexual boys feel about expressing their feelings, treating each other warmly, and pursuing their creative lives for fear of being labeled a “fag.” Pollack points out that adolescents feel vulnerable to someday dropping out of favor, to being the one left out. When one group is shunned or stigmatized with impunity, every child’s sense of security is eroded.

If your child doesn’t bring up the topic of homosexuality, s/he might at least ask about a family that is different from yours - a family with one parent if she has two, or a family with two parents if she has one. Use this opportunity to teach about homosexuality by explaining about the different sorts of families people can have. For example:

“A gay man is a man who loves another man, just the way your mother and I love each other. A lesbian is a woman who loves another woman, in the same way. When two lesbian or gay grown-ups meets and fall in love, sometimes they start a family just like mommy and I did.” Ask your child if s/he understands, and expect that you will have to repeat the lesson over time before he can fully master it.

Always bear in mind that when you tell your child about homosexual people, you aren’t just delivering the facts. You are showing her how you feel about people and how you want your child to feel. Think of each little discussion as communicating how you would react if your child were to make fun of people because they are homosexual, or if your child were to someday tell you she is a lesbian herself. This is an opportunity to share your value that “in this family, we treat everyone with dignity and respect.” You’ll also be conveying your general beliefs about how to relate to people who are different from yourself. Even if she is heterosexual, the openness s/he sees in you will help your child turn to you with something she or he fears may disappoint you or diminish her in your eyes.

Recommended Websites and Books

What Does Gay Mean? How to Talk with Kids About Sexual Orientation and Prejudice by Lynn Ponton (author, child psychiatrist, and expert in teen issues). This online brochure offers resources, tips for talking across the developmental stages of preschool through teenagers, as well as general Q&A.

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson & Mark Schuster

Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman

Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack & Mary Pipher