A few weeks ago I experienced a rather unusual night of party hopping that included seeing John Ondrasik (aka. Five for Fighting) live at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. In addition to being utterly moved by the musical experience itself, I also was touched by John’s clear love for his family (exemplified when he explained the inspiration for various songs). Thanks to the lovely Barbara Jones, I met John after the show, at which time he kindly offered to pen a guest blog post on Boston Mamas. In particular, I was curious about John’s best strategies for staying connected with his family while on the road; an issue I discuss with many parents who travel for work. Read on for John's advice on this topic:

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From John Ondrasik:

I have the two best jobs in the world. Around 8pm every night I realize my childhood dream as a touring singer/songwriter. The gig takes me to venues across the country and allows me to share a common experience with old fans and new. When it works, there's nothing better. Well, there's one thing better, and that's my other job...Daddy.

As a father to a nine-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter, I'm smack in the parental golden age and I know it! And here's the rub: with two amazing, inquisitive, competitive, and (mostly) innocent no longer babies, it's rough being on the road, again.

Many families face this reality, especially our troops, who are away from home for months on end. We mom’s and dad’s learn to treasure every car pool wait line, soccer net take down, and late night burger run. I was asked if I have any tips for my fellow parental road warriors. Here are a few:

1. Believe the Skype! Video conferencing is as crucial to the traveling parent as the babysitter is to the work-at-homer. Being able to see as well as talk to Daddy is huge for my kids’ psyches. I try to call around the same time each night and spend both group and one-on-one time. My daughter enjoys a tour of my hotel room and my son digs the up close eyeball-in-the-camera gag. Skype also is free once you have an Internet connection, so set up the monopoly board and buy some houses!

2. Pen Pals. Exchange the written word! I get more insight into my children’s lives through their letters than any conversation. It’s cathartic for both sides and sneaky bonus writing practice. E-mails are fine but throw in some handwritten letters as well. They can be re-read when needed, and age better than your favorite Amarone.

3. Stay Engaged. When I’m out for weeks at a time I have my wife send me the kids’ homework and art projects. With technology I can get same day video files of the kids’ games and recitals. Though it’s not the same as being there it brings me closer to home and helps them focus on times tables and piano practice.

4. Bring ‘Em! On short trips sometimes I’ll bring one of my kids, even pulling them out of school if it’s just a day jaunt. Not only do they get a sense of Daddy’s job and see a bit of the world, it’s an adventure and treasured alone time. (And make sure Mommy gets her turn too!)

Whatever the tech or the trick, there’s no perfect answer for road dogs with puppies. We’re like anyone else and just miss our kids! For me, I don’t tour as much these days. I’m lucky to have that choice, because these golden ages are only gold, once.

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John Ondrasik is the singer/songwriter behind the multi-platinum Five for Fighting. His new album Slice is good for kids of all ages.

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I am grateful to Barbara Jones for coordinating this guest blog and to friend and fellow concert attendee Jodi Grundig for providing the photo of me and John.

Jennifer James is one of the first bloggers I met in real life, through the inaugural Disney mom bloggers mixer. She since has become a dear friend and a trusted professional confidante; someone I admire for her kindness, good karma, smart insights, and astute perspective as a long time blogger (among her many projects, she’s best known as the founder of the Mom Bloggers Club). The second in my Simplifying the Holidays guest blog series, today Jennifer shares a collection of wonderful ideas for everyday philanthropy where you can make a difference from the comfort of your home.

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From Jennifer:

It's the season of giving and there is no shortage of requests for donations to charitable causes both in our local areas and nationwide. While someone, somewhere is in dire need of help, it seems as though the demand is higher than ever before. Many people less fortunate than us desperately need a helping hand. The sheer numbers are overwhelming to be sure, but there is a lot we can do that does not always entail writing a check.

A new book, How to Be an Everyday Philanthropist, has hit book stores just in the nick of time for the giving season. With brilliant strategies and thorough research, Nicole Boles lists a plethora of charities in which you can donate your time and talents and that will make a measurable difference in the lives of those in need.

Reading through How to be an Everyday Philanthropist I was shocked, but delighted, by the types of charities you can volunteer your time to from home. As a busy mom, these are the types of charities that piqued my interest first and may pique your interest as well:

Read This to Me: I bet you didn’t know you could read documents to the blind and all that’s required is a fax machine and a working phone. Now this is a volunteer job we could conceivably do every day to help the blind. Read more on page 9.

Guide Dogs for the Blind: Guide dogs are amazing animals. They are expertly trained and wholly devoted to their master, but did you know that as puppies they are first raised and loved in the homes of everyday families like yours and mine? I didn’t either. Essentially you and your family raise a guide dog until they have to go to training school. What a great charity to give to! Read more on pages 33 and 34.

Look Pink: If you are a hardcore digital mom like me you probably spend your fair share of time on search engines. The next time you need to look up a recipe for dinner or want to do a search for mom blogs, for example, use LookPink.com. Each search you perform automatically raises money to help fight breast cancer. Read more on page 47.

Hang Proud: It's tough being a young girl these days. Although we felt inordinate pressure to be stick thin and take cream puff courses in college, the expectation of girls to be sexy at younger ages is mind-boggling and girls still are underrepresented in science and math. That is why it is vital to mentor girls to become strong young women who are confident and love their bodies. And you guessed it, you can mentor a girl from the comfort of your own home. Through Hang Proud, you can become an e-mentor to a girl who is in desperate need of direction and a friend. Learn more on page 47.

Warm Up America: If you can crochet or knit you can help families stay warm during the bitterly cold winter months. Volunteers around the country knit everything from shawls to blankets to give to people who could genuinely use a handmade gesture to brighten their day and also keep them warm. Since 1992 volunteers have been keeping people around the world warm, from babies to women in battered shelters. Read more on page 63.

Giving to charitable causes does not always mean giving money, especially as the economy continues to do scary things to our savings accounts and discretionary income. But there are always ways of giving that utilize our skills and talents that really make a difference in the lives of others and that you can even do at home.

Learn more about charities that can benefit from your skills and devotion in How to Be an Everyday Philanthropist by Nicole Boles.

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Jennifer James is the founder of the Mom Bloggers Club and the The Mom Salon and writes about social media and mom blogging on her Tumblr blog. You can follow Jennifer on Twitter at @mombloggersclub.

November is Prematurity Awareness Month and this year Bloggers Unite is partnering with the March of Dimes in support of the Fight for Preemies. The goal of the campaign is to have 500 bloggers post about a baby they love on or before Prematurity Awareness Day (November 17) to create awareness of the ongoing need for prematurity research funding. Today, in support of the campaign and in my role as a March of Dimes mom, I’m sharing the story of my niece Alyssa, with heartfelt gratitude to her parents for their candor and willingness to have me write this post.

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My brother George and his wife Estelle were the first in our family to get pregnant. It was not an easy course (multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization were required) but there was so much joy when we all learned that they were expecting twins. But then there was heartache. Estelle’s pregnancy progressed well up to week 20; healthy heartbeats were detected at her 20 week ultrasound. However, at the 21 week ultrasound, only one heartbeat was present: Twin B (Alyssa). The heartbeat for Twin A (Phoebe) could not be detected and at that stage, there was nothing to do but continue to carry both babies to delivery.

At 29 weeks, Estelle’s water broke in Phoebe's sac and labor started. Estelle was admitted to the hospital and the medical team attempted to hold off Alyssa’s delivery. At 30 weeks Phoebe was delivered stillborn vaginally and Alyssa was delivered via C-section. Alyssa weighed 3 lbs, 8 oz and was 15 inches in length. She remained in the NICU for 5 weeks. While in the NICU, Alyssa was on CPAP, had apnea and jaundice, required a blood transfusion, and caught a staph infection. She was discharged healthy but later required Early Intervention to cope with delays in physical and receptive language skills. The cause of Phoebe’s death was unknown.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget my visit to see Alyssa at the NICU. At the time, I really hadn’t been around many babies, much less tiny and frail ones. I was both eager to see her and also scared and uncertain. I didn’t want to do anything that could possibly hurt or infect her so as I crouched next to her isolette, overwhelmed by both the site of her and the stress and sadness George and Estelle both carried, I did the only thing a music and brain scientist could think to do: I sang. Softly, melodically, and with tears in my eyes.

That brief yet powerful moment in time will never leave me. It shaped my work when I was in academia (I helped launch a research program to evaluate the effects of music to help soothe stress responses of premature babies during medical procedures) and it has shaped my commitment to causes via Boston Mamas (such as raising funds for the March for Babies and becoming a March of Dimes mom). I felt such gratitude – and perhaps a little guilt too – when I sailed to term (actually, beyond term: 42 weeks) with Laurel. I cried during my delivery because I had been planning on and hoping for a natural delivery and instead underwent an emergency C-section. But I kept reminding myself that I was enormously lucky. My girl was coming out and she was fine. Estelle had to face delivering a premature and a stillborn baby. My heart aches just thinking about her experience.

Alyssa is now 6 years old. She is thriving (actually, maybe more than thriving; I can barely keep up with her…) and rarely gets sick. She’s developmentally totally on track (she actually skipped a grade) and runs, jumps, plays, and pirouettes with the best of them. And with the love and dedication of her parents, I don’t think she will ever forget Phoebe, or the fact that a lot of people have worked very hard to ensure her health, development, and happiness.

Estelle related to me that at the time of Alyssa’s birth, the March of Dimes did not have a large presence at their NICU. Since then, the MoD has developed a large presence through the work of a program called CNAC (Chapter-NICU Action Committee) in conjunction with their NICU Family Support program. Many changes have been implemented to make the NICU more family centered; bereavement support also now is offered. And while all of this change no doubt leads to some longing and bittersweet emotions, instead of lingering on wishing for things that could have been when Alyssa was in the NICU, Estelle has become active with this MoD program to help it continue to grow and thrive. And George is the driving force behind raising funds for their annual March for Babies walk.

I have so much love and admiration for George, Estelle, and Alyssa (and for little Phoebe, who I wish we all could have seen grow up alongside Alyssa). I am honored to tell their story here and I hope you will consider sharing it, and/or your own, in support of the Fight for Preemies.

Today, parent educator Hetti Wohlgemuth shares key lessons from motherhood:

“Could I write an essay -- under 1000 words -- about motherhood? What an absorbing assignment. In the recently released movie Motherhood -- which includes great actors, great Manhattan scenes, and too many New York tears shed over a life that looks terrific -- Uma Thurman attempts this very project for a magazine contest. Inspired by this task, here I share a few key lessons from the alphabet stew of motherhood, in less than 650 words.
A is for Ambivalence, a naughty word when it comes to motherhood, but a real one. How can one not feel some loss when one thinks back to our before-children freedoms and identities? But how can we not also feel enormous swelling in our hearts when we look at our babies' gorgeous faces, their plump little hands and toes, when we feel their warmth and smell their lovely sweet baby smell? I felt my ambivalence before I even had children: I had no idea if I even wanted babies. I aired my ambivalence -- even my daughters know this now -- and my ambivalence evaporated. That's what happens with negative feelings once we express them and they get acknowledged; they often disappear. I'm all for motherhood ambivalence -- it's not going to go away unless we address it.

B is for Brain Enhancing. It's counterintuitive to think of motherhood as brain enhancing, but it is and there's research to prove it. Yes, initially, moms don't feel smarter. Initially there's no time for newspapers, news, or novels. We're sleep deprived and our brains are totally absorbed with the newness of caring for an infant. But think on the totality of motherhood, instead. Katherine Ellison authored a book on this subject called, The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter. She writes that motherhood requires "efficiency, resiliency, motivation, and emotional intelligence." True, and these qualities massage the brain magnificently. Motherhood also requires diplomacy, doctoring, dietary sense, and a whole lot more. That's even more massage for the brain. Honestly, I feel smarter since raising my daughters.

H is for Humbling. Many of the edicts I proudly pronounced pre-children flew out the window before I even managed to mail my birth announcements. I remember an extended family dinner when I was in my self-absorbed college years. I actually felt annoyed at the space my young nephews were absorbing and thought to myself, I would never allow that. Then I gave birth to my two daughters and my attitude sure changed. Before children (B.C.) we liked to say that our children would not watch TV, play with Barbie, eat sugar, and that we would never ever yell at them. After children (A.C.), real life happens and we feel bad about our pronouncements. We needn't: motherhood is humbling.

W is for all those Worries that loom so large in our mothering minds. With my younger daughter, I worried endlessly about lead poisoning, probably because we were renovating our old house when she was three and possibly licking the windowsills. Now both daughters are grown (lead free, I presume) and I worry about them living in Baltimore and New York City, riding subways late at night, driving, and whatever else I can conjure up. I hear from my friends whose children are married and have children of their own that the worries never cease. Years ago I got some advice from a wise woman: give your worries a good workout every day, maybe 15-20 minutes. Then work to let them go, consciously if necessary. It’s good advice that I still use.

Z is for the Zen of mothering: Oh, to be a Zen Mother. Zen and mothering can go together like a baby in a baby carriage. Oh, to take the time to watch and feel the autumn rain with two small children without thought of what else could be accomplished at that moment (this scene actually takes place in the movie Motherhood and it's one of the better scenes)! Oh, to never covet the successes of a friend's children. Zen Mother love isn't jealous or possessive and accepts our children for who they are. Zen Mothers love without expecting gratitude or anything in return. Zen and mothering can go together like hugs and kisses. Om.”

Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today, parent educator Hetti Wohlgemuth shares advice on fighting well:

“Bob and I fought last week. Not a big one, but one that prevented us from playing our nightly gin game and one that led me to go to bed mad, something the experts and my parents (their only bit of marital advice) advise against. Fights are not something to avoid at all costs and the experts actually say that a noisy marriage might be better than a quiet one: at least you're talking to one another. Fights happen, yes, but how does it impact our kids? What is a good fight and how can we pull it off?
Know when to let an argument go. Sometimes when we're stressed in other parts of our lives - jobs, extended family, friends, finances, etc. - it's handy and safe to release our fury toward our partner. Whether this is the case or your partner is the cause of the anger, there’s merit to letting the argument go or redirecting the anger toward the actual guilty source. After my spat with Bob, he offered the olive branch the next morning and though I still felt grumpy, I knew I needed to let our little spat go. I did and I'm glad. Fights would not be so much of an issue for kids if they knew that they were only blips on the screen and would disappear with a kiss, a hug, a kind word, and a real desire not to stay mired in unpleasantness.

Vive la difference! Men and women actually are different, so are two women within a couple or two men. We partnered up with our significant other because of our similarities and our differences. Bob is very good at listening to me go on and on about my grievances. But occasionally he rushes in with advice, solutions, and causes – a desire to fix thing when I just want him to listen. Bottom line is he's trying to help in the way he knows how; accept different well intentioned approaches.

Pick your battles. We advise this when dealing with children and we need to abide by this within relationships too. It's not good for you, your partner, or your kids to fight about every teeny tiny resentment. Sometimes it's helpful to not see the unfolded shirts and sweaters or the catalogs piling up on the dining table. Deal with the big elephants and let the others go. As we know but often forget, it's more important to live in a happy home than a perfect and pristine one.

One person cannot meet all our needs. Entanglements ensue when we expect one person to be all and everything to us. We need friends (to give us the response we want or to hear us yet again), babysitting co-ops, babysitters, agreeable family members, and dishwashers (yes, dishwashers!) to fill in and support us when we and/or our partners are at our parenting wit's end. Learn to ask for and accept help.

Fight like an adult, not a three year old. Don't call each other names, blame each other endlessly, or throw sand in each other's hair. If you fight like a grownup, the match stands as a teaching tool. The "good fight" shows children we can get mad, express it in healthy ways, and then move on.

How to fight well. Use the all important, oft mentioned, ‘I statement’ such as, ‘I get mad (or any particular feeling) WHEN you give me causes and solutions (or any other activity) BECAUSE I feel I'm not being heard.’ (Coming up with the clause after 'because' is challenging because you need to take some responsibility for why you actually are mad, frustrated, sad, etc.) Also, don't have these conversations at midnight when the twins are screaming or at the dinner hour when the pot of water boils over and everyone's famished. If you do, everyone will end up (boiling) mad. The good fight may not feel natural at first, but it's worth it. Learning to fight well is an art!

Bottom line. It's not the actual fight that's the problem. It's the quantity (usually too often) and the quality. If you feel like you're fighting every day, then you need to sit down with your partner when you both have time and state where you're both at and what you both need. Listening can be as critical as talking. Occasional (in this case, more is better) expressions of kindness and appreciation are always welcome. Receiving them is just as important as giving them.”

Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This week I had the pleasure chatting with NPR Tell Me More host Michel Martin, Tell Me More regular parenting contributors Jolene Ivey and Dannette Tucker, and Friend or Foe advice columnist Lucinda Rosenfeld about the complicated issue of what to do when your friend’s kids act like bratzillas. To get to the interview, click here then select the Beware of Bratzillas title to access the audiocast. Enjoy!

Today, Sarah recommends Partnership Parenting, a book written to help parents reach mature discussion and calm compromise amidst conflicting parenting styles. Read on for Sarah’s review, as well as to learn how to be one of two winners to receive a copy of Partnership Parenting (entry closes October 17):
From Sarah:

“With one more year to go until my younger son heads off to kindergarten, I’ve started to turn over a new leaf in my parenting arsenal. I devoted a massive portion of my vacation reading -- usually devoted to pulp fiction and chick lit -- to some seriously insightful advice books, in hopes that I could polish out the rough spots in my kid/parent interactions and re-write some of the less effective scripts I rely on when put on the spot. (You know, pot bubbling on the stove, dog whining to go out, phone ringing, and a temper tantrum breaks out in the living room about who touched the puzzle last and thus has to put it away.) And I think the change was worth it; I digested some amazingly helpful books this summer.

One of the top three was Partnership Parenting, by husband and wife psychologists Kyle and Marsha Kline Pruett. Conceived to fill in the gaps between parenting books directed at moms and other books directed at dads, this easy read focuses on the differences between viewpoints that often create conflict between parents when child-rearing situations get stressful. Sort of like Mars and Venus Raise A Kid. The Pruetts point out that many parents receive this advice after getting separated or divorced, when they have to juggle father-time and mother-time and the differences between the two, but this is the first program that helps parents while they’re still together.

Beginning with conversations they recommend couples undertake before the baby is born, the Pruetts guide the reader down a path to better he-said/she-said understanding of the motivations behind our parenting decisions, such as how moms are more likely to protect their children from encountering stressful and possibly disappointing situations, and how dads are more likely to let kids encounter disappointments as a learning tool for the way the world really works. Or how moms are more likely to reason with their children when disciplining or scolding misbehavior, while dads are more likely to summarily dismiss the offender to a timeout without too many words. More importantly (especially when a couple gets to bickering over whose parenting style is “right”), the book discusses the best, most effective and most emotionally healthy approaches to help diffuse the bickering before it starts. And in my household, I know it’s often easy to get to arguing over whose point is the right one and lose sight altogether of why we’re trying to find consensus in the first place.

The books also includes a parenting checklist, to compare your child-raising ideas against your spouse’s and find commonalities and differences (and subsequently to discuss in a civil manner how to reach a compromise), as well as a quiz to see how your idea of developmentally appropriate actions on the part of your child match up with experts’ opinions. It’s amazing how many disciplinary battles, especially with younger kids, simply are the result of parental misunderstanding of what the child is capable of at their age.

In my humble opinion, one of the hallmarks of a good self-help book (or maybe just of someone who’s help-able) is that the advice therein seems like very sensible stuff you would know yourself if you were thinking clearly at the time you needed it most. Partnership Parenting gives parents the tools they need to practice the mature discussion and calm compromise that is the pinnacle of two-parent decision-making, before the three-year-old paints the dog blue while the toddler takes every box of cereal out of the cupboard and crushes it into little piles on the floor. I only wish I’d had this book seven years earlier.”

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THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED
Congrats to winners Annie & Allison!
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Now, want to be one of two winners to receive a copy ofPartnership Parenting? Here’s how:

Visit the Da Capo Press website, then email contests@bostonmamas.com (with ‘Partnership Parenting’ in the subject), and name another Da Capo book you’d be interested in reading (other than Partnership Parenting!).

One entry permitted per person; US residents welcome to enter.

Entry period closes at midnight EST, Saturday, October 17, 2009.

Finding age appropriate ways to have tough conversations with kids can be challenging, and if you need help addressing the topic of cancer with your child, WGBH is offering a special event this Sunday, October 18 (2 – 3:30pm). When A Child Knows Someone With Cancer will include a screening of The Great MacGrady (a new Arthur special that addresses cancer and survivorship), as well as the opportunity to interface with a panel of pediatric health and education experts on resources and strategies for supporting kids as they cope with the cancer diagnosis of a loved one. This event is free; RSVP is required.

At WGBH Studios, One Guest Street, Brighton; 617-300-5400

Today, parent educator Hetti Wohlgemuth admittedly engages a bit of a paradox and offers advice about coping with unwanted advice:

“‘Talk is cheap,’ or so they say. Apparently so is advice. You can get bundles of advice -- more than you'd ever want and more than you could ever use -- totally free. And much of it is contradictory, whether the advice is about clothing, food, sleep, or discipline. So what can we do with this advice?
Trust your instincts. ‘You know more than you think you know,’ says Dr. Spock on the first page of his tome on childcare. Spock may seem dated, but he makes good sense. Only you know your baby and only you know what feels right for you and your household. You can't walk in shoes that don't fit and you can't wear advice unless it's comfortable. As Spock says, ‘We know for a fact that the loving care that kind parents give their children is a hundred times more valuable than their knowing how to pin a diaper on just right.’

Don’t let excessive advice erode your confidence. In the face of excessive advice, it’s common to think, 'I must look like I don't know what I'm doing,' or, 'The parenting bar is very high,' or 'Maybe they do know better,’ or ‘Maybe there’s something to all of these should’s.’ Not so. Keep in mind that this is your baby now. Others had their chance and now it's your turn. Yes, you may stumble here and there, but each time you cross a new parenting threshold by marching to your own drum, confidence will grow.

Advice givers speak volumes…about their own need to offer advice. This may sound a little harsh, but the truth is, sometimes people offer advice because appearing knowledgeable makes them feel good; generally their interest is not in guiding you. And if you take the advice, you are affirming their parenting style and we, as humans, like to be affirmed. So, when you're listening to the volumes of advice, realize that the advice is not a free lunch, but more about feeding the giver.

Give advice a chance, some of the time. Although I've been pointing out negatives about advice, sometimes it is in fact given with you in mind. The best advice I ever got? "Don't fret about your weight. It took nine months to go up and it takes nine months to go back down." The second best advice I got? "Hire the occasional sitter. It's good for your mental health and your marriage." Perfect. I was planning on doing that anyway. The worst bits of advice we ever received (e.g., being accused of carrying our daughter too much and thus spoiling her) seemed rooted in the advice giver’s own issues. So listen carefully, and take the good advice to heart.

Sometimes silence really is golden. We expend a lot of mental energy (energy we don't have as busy parents of small children) wondering how to answer our advisors. Sometimes the best answer is no answer at all. We don't owe "the experts" anything. If you feel must respond, simply say 'thank you' and move on.”

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Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net