Congratulations to Laurie F. of Medway, MA and Alex R. of Round Lake, IL, the winners of our February contest! Laurie and Alex each won a baby/toddler yogi gift pack (valued at over $100 each) from Lotus Children. Thanks to everyone who entered the contest!
We also would like to thank our friends at Lotus Children for their generous partnership. Be sure to check out their beautiful selection of baby and toddler clothing if you haven't yet had a chance to do so.
I was on the East Coast for business from Tuesday through yesterday, hanging with some colleagues I don't usually see. Good times and productive meetings were had by all.
Yesterday we were at lunch, and we got to talking about this blog. Some wanted to know what I wrote about. When you say, "I write about parenting," I think it conjures up a bunch of images of poop stories and birthday party photos. I felt the need to clarify that while I do that all the time, I'm also interested in parenting as an art and science.
One of the women I work with has five children and is a single mom. Her kids are all above the age of 10, but her hands-off approach is still fascinating to me. Her mantra is, "when you're old enough to reach the spoon drawer, you're old enough to feed yourself." This extends to a lot of other areas, and she said you could plop her 17-year-old down in the wilderness and he could fend quite well for himself.
While I'll never be quite that hands-off, I do hope I won't be like the mom on Supernanny the other day still brushing her six-year-old's teeth for him. It is hard to know when to help and when to step back and let your child sort of struggle through on her own. I imagine if I had five kids and was doing it on my own, I'd probably just rock beneath the stairs in the fetal position most of the time, but I did think a lot about what my colleague said this morning when the little angel announced she was going to wear her Cinderella underwear to school today for the first time ever.
We've made it through our share of Target trips and dinners out wearing the underwear, but any time the little angel puts them on and then, oh, sits on the couch, I have to take deep breaths. This is not because I have fabulous furniture - I don't - or because I'm afraid she's going to poop - she almost never poops anywhere but the potty, even when she is wearing her diapers. I'm not that frightened by a little urine. It's mostly this idea I have in my head that somehow I can control whether or not she has an accident by asking her incessantly if she has to go, or seeing the change that comes across her face when she's about to let it fly all over the hardwood floor. I need to get over that, and the spoon drawer conversation was useful in that way.
We talked a lot about how your children are their own little people, and not necessarily the reflection on ourselves we tend to think they are. My new boss told a story about how his now MIT-attending son went through a phase during which he had to wear five t-shirts at all times. They just went with it, and eventually he wore less clothing than a homeless person. It does make you think. Some things, like using drugs or alcohol or beating up other children at The Emerald City because they won't share the coveted pink ball, are bad and something we don't want reflecting on our parenting skills. While our children may still do those things, those behaviors may be symptoms of a larger problem we could help with. Other things, though, like the little angel's need to wear her clear Cinderella heels (gah) to a restaurant on Saturday night or having to take her out to eat with friends when she's covered from head to toe in tempura paint are not necessarily a reflection of me, my personal hygiene or my fashion sense. They are simply her being her, and I can't force her to wear matching clothes of my choosing forever. Eventually she's going to go Goth or shave her head or insist on piercing her nose, and those things may not be worth the battle. They may be her needing to express herself in her own way. While I don't intend her to leave the house looking like a streetwalker while she's under my roof, I will need to work on my need to have other people think she looks cute.
I'm sure most mothers want their kids to look or behave in a manner consistent with their own style of dress or speech. It's not evil or wrong to feel compelled to spit-shine your toddler's face. But there is a fine line between wanting your child to look presentable and clean and dressed appropriately for the weather and needing to exert control over their appearance. I probably won't be the mother who refuses to drive her children to school on a cold day because they have hats, dammit, but I don't want to be the mother who insists her daughter wear a dress on Christmas because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
So anyway, I didn't have time to shop for the little angel, so I brought her one of the plastic seafood table decorations from a big group meeting. She promptly named the crab Sebastian and took him to The Emerald City with her today. He can't reach the spoon drawer yet, so she shared her banana. I think it was big of her.
A feverish child has left me a little behind the eight ball the last few days, so I’m behind in reporting on a recent New York Magazine article on the effects of praising kids. Local reader Melanie from Arlington wrote in highly recommending not only checking out the article, but also listening to the NPR On Point interview with Po Bronson, the author of the New York Magazine article, and Carol Dweck, the lead on the research study that provided the catalyst for the feature.
Dweck’s experiments, based out of Columbia University, found that praising for effort vs. intelligence on problem solving tasks significantly influenced motivation and subsequent performance, and not in a good way for those praised for intelligence. This body of work – which held across socioeconomic and gender differences – strongly supports the psychological construct that praise, self-esteem, and performance rise and fall in tandem. And while some parents and educators stand by their praise of aptitude, Dweck’s data and other subjective reports suggest that being gifted - and perpetuating the need for perfection through praise - can cause a child to under perform due to fear of failure and embarrassment.
This feature struck a related chord. Back in middle and high school I under performed academically because I desperately wanted to be cool and not fulfill Asian stereotypes (playing the violin already was a strike against me here). And literally days before this feature came out, Jon expressed concern about this very topic, wondering whether we should ease off of our praise of Laurel's various accomplishments. At this point, the developmental milestones and language development come so fast and furiously that praise and amazement are reflexive. But this report certainly gave me pause, wondering whether we ought to translate our potty mantra to other parenting arenas, by playing it cool and commending the effort, not necessarily the outcome.
The category overhaul is done! This was a tedious undertaking but we’re really happy with the results. Our categories (in the left sidebar) have been trimmed and reorganized considerably, and we crosschecked and streamlined the categorization of each of over 400 entries. It’s time to head to the massage table.
We define Local generously; local posts refer to content related to Boston plus all of Massachusetts, plus the occasionally foray into immediate neighboring states. (We do believe it’s a good idea to leave the 95 and 495 belts after all…) Otherwise, content in the remaining categories is relevant to parents anywhere (hint, hint – tell your friends). Thanks for your patience and happy browsing.
Here’s a great tip from my fellow eco-mama Kate. For elegant, earth-friendly bags and reusable bottles, check out ReusableBags.com. Among their lunch bag collection is Kate’s eco chic Mimi the Sardine bag (shown, Modern Berries; $19.95). This machine washable cloth bag is 100% lead-free, made of eco-friendly, safety tested acrylic coated fabrics, and is insulated.
Or totally setting her up for a life of obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and social awkwardness. It's all up to you, the parent!
A reader recently wrote in with praise for Jinwood Shoes. Based out of British Columbia, this shoe company produces groovy, soft-soled infant shoes (available in 0-24 months) that have a skid resistant sole, Velcro styling for easy on and off, and come in a variety of cool retro stripe color combinations (shown, Green Stripe). Available for $25.95 at Simple Me Boutique.
UPDATE (3/5/07): In addition to standard free shipping on orders over $25, Simple Me would like to offer Boston Mamas readers 10% off orders over $50 using the code BOSTON.
The last couple of weeks with our new resident Pee Master have been marvelous. And Laurel recently surprised us by making a couple of unexpected solid deliveries into the toilet.
It’s only a couple of data points, but we’re wondering whether our “play it cool” approach is contributing to the ease of this new development. Despite Laurel’s clear preference to use a diaper for pooping, we decided to simply continue to offer a choice of diaper or potty when she needs to poop, assuming she’d come around at some point (plus, it’s all about having choice with her). This process has worked really well; it seems to provide some practice thinking about bodily control, and has helped avoid soiled underpants, potty regression, and constipation (from not wanting to let go in the potty).
We’ve also extended the play it cool approach to the recent instances where Laurel unexpectedly started pushing after a pee. While quietly elated at the prospect of retiring our Diaper Champ, I just continued to read books with her so she would stay relaxed and keep trying. When she finished, I said “Good for you!” (our typical potty verbiage) and she was excited to check out her work and then say goodbye to it. I was too.
Holy crow, it’s almost March! This means our contest in partnership with Lotus Children is closing tomorrow at midnight. Click here to enter to win one of two amazing baby/toddler clothing gift sets from Lotus Children. This contest is open to entrants worldwide. Good luck!