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What Was Spared
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"See? There are the angel wings."

She gestured to two white marks stretching out from either side of the back door where the fire bit the house.

They woke to smoke. Within five minutes, they were all outside and there was no going back in. Not for the twenty-five years of original scores written by her musician husband. Not for photos or flowers or mementos. The windows exploded as their neighbors banged on the house, yelling for them to get out.

She told us the story as we picked our way through the gutted house, stepping gingerly over caution tape pasted over holes showing us the basement below. I tried not to look down, my arm curling protectively around my daughter as she, too, avoided seeing how little floor it takes to hold up a person.

The woman showed us the path of the fire, how it darkened the beams on either side of the untouched bookshelf housing her husband's musical scores, the wood still white and the only stick of furniture left in the house. It reminded me of the story I heard in my twenties of a woman who'd come upon my grandfather after his fatal car wreck and laid her hands on his chest and told him it was okay to go right before he died. That feeling of a record scratching somewhere out beyond Saturn, out where things get decided, far from us.

We'd come at the request of a friend, who told us about the fire and asked us to come help transplant the flowers from the side of the house to the back so they wouldn't be lost in the rebuild. The fire was set by kids playing a prank that went way out of hand. Not an accident.

The fact that everyone inside the house lived is nothing less than a miracle.

We were there for two hours, a little piece of a glorious fall Sunday afternoon. We started out mostly strangers, a group cobbled together from my friend's various social circles. I found myself discussing parenting with one of the other moms as we dug up hostas from a sidewalk we'd never seen before.

The woman showed us her wedding dress that had somehow received only smoke damage despite the line of fire on all sides. She said she wasn't that sentimental about her dress, but there was no logic behind why it was spared except for God just showing off.

I asked about the kids. I think it will be hardest for them.

She was giving one of the beds to someone else who was starting over with nothing. Starting over with nothing is the story I heard from a new acquaintance a few weeks ago at lunch, a woman who told me about her old house with a marble floor a short jaunt from New York City, how quickly it had been lost in the collapse. How she'd been on the trading floor that day.

You hear a lot of stories about what was lost, but not as many about what was spared. I was touched by the hope and faith in the voice of the woman whose house stood before me, a black shell of what it had been. A house I've probably driven past hundreds of times, located as it was in my old neighborhood. Her life and mine probably never would have intersected, but it did, and because it did, my family and I saw the power of acknowledging what was spared. We transplanted twenty or so plants out of the path of the machinery that will rebuild the family's house from the bottom up. My daughter played in a treehouse outgrown by the woman's adult children and black like the main house with smoke damage. As we pushed our wheelbarrow in the narrow gap between city houses, the broken glass from the windows sparkled like mosaics in the dirt, like they'd been put there on purpose.

Transplanting the flowers let us focus on what was spared. My new friend told me her favorite grandmother's name was Rita. As we prepared to leave, I passed out bottled water that we bought weeks before even though we never buy bottled water, and people I'd never met before nodded their thanks.

We left happy that we'd come and aware of how differently that story could have ended.


The winner of my Rafflecopter giveaway is Rachel Spring! Congratulations, Rachel! I will be in touch! Thanks to everyone who participated in the YA Scavenger Hunt. I thought it was really fun.

Right and Wrong
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The billboard flashed by from the side of the road as I struggled with the glare of a dusty summer and using leftover diaper wipes on the inside windshield of a top-down aging convertible.

CHIEFS.

There is a guy I pass sometimes while jogging in my neighborhood with silver on his temples. He runs wind sprints up this hill in a way that makes me wonder if he didn't used to play.

CHIEFS.

He waves at me as I shorten my strides to get up the hill without walking. He's nice.

CHIEFS.

I've never played bat or ball sports. I don't know what that feels like, though I've competed in nerdier capacities. But the things I've competed in have always been very nebulous and subjective. No clear right or wrong.

In the instant when that billboard flashed by, it occurred to me people like sports because it's always so clear, the rules.

There might be bad calls, but there is a right way to pull a lay-up, a right way to clear a hurdle, a right way to achieve first and ten. Not like Syria. Not like healthcare. Not like how to stop the increasing gaps between the haves and have nots.

Instead, there is Sunday afternoon.

CHIEFS.

Someone wins, someone loses, and there are rule-based reasons why. In a world with only the haziest of bottom-line driven boundaries, there are brackets.

In brackets, we can feel safe.

In tailgates, we can identify with our communities without worrying whether we share politics.

Sports are the last bastion of black and white in a global world.

I get it. I bought Beloved tickets to the US vs. Jamaica in soccer this October, partly because he's turning 40 and loves soccer, and partly because it might feel refreshing to cheer GO USA without there being a war attached that I don't agree with and can't support.

I've spent my whole life not getting it. But the world has always been ethically complicated, and it's taken me until my fortieth year on this planet to realize how strong the temptation is to turn my head and run wind sprints up the hill. I think that neighbor of mine used to play. I may not like the game, but maybe I'm starting to understand the need to watch.

CHIEFS.

Don't even get me started on the origin of that name. It's a post for another day.

Uncategorized Comment
Maybe It Was the Teddy Bears? Or Maybe It Was the Black Woman.

Y'all, I totally didn't watch the VMAs. a) I didn't realize they were on b) I have really never cared about music videos, even when MTV first came out -- I think it was the newness. I can't remember the last time I wanted my MTV. c) I hate awards shows, too.

So it wasn't until Monday morning that I realized Miley Cyrus had quite the bizarre performance. Such a performance that we actually created a series on BlogHer to house all the reactions. Now it's Friday, and I think it's taken me an entire week to absorb the stupidity of just all of it and the danger of at least one part of it.

I didn't even watch the whole video at first. After Miley-I-knew-that-girl-was-trouble-and-didn't-let-my-daughter-watch-Hannah-Montana walked out of a giant teddy bear and started yelling, I figured I was pretty sure how it was all going to go down. I didn't get to the full video watching until today, after I'd had time to read the responses and also pour bleach into my eyeballs. I've read a LOT of response posts to Miley -- people mad at people for judging her as a woman, people who are pissed about her gold grill, people who say as a society we've lost it.

Yeah, I thought she was pretty gross. Just as I really hated Madonna on a cross and Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction and any reference to bitches and hos no matter what color your skin. I hate all of it.

Was Miley's foam-fingered teddy bear worse or better? I don't know. But I really did think we'd come farther than this.

 

 

Everybody in this medley had back-up dancers. The same red-pants-wearing black female back-up dancers appeared wearing teddy bears and not wearing teddy bears for Miley and for other singers, and they seemed to be doing fairly normal background dancer stuff. What I just couldn't figure out was this:

Miley 1

This woman in the tights was mostly shown ass-out to the crowd. You never really saw her face. Then Miley smacked that ass. Now. There are a variety of things going on here. While the robot teddy bears and the tongue wagging and the foam finger and the bikini are all annoying and just weird, the using a black woman as a prop and accentuating her ass in this way, THEN SMACKING IT just, no, Miley. And really, not just Miley, because who the hell produces this show? Where was the adult in the room to go OMG YOU HAVE NOW TRANSCENDED BAD TASTE AND MOVED INTO THE CULTURAL FUCK-UP ZONE?

You know, I never thought Miley was all that impressive as an artist, and that's fine. I don't have to like everyone. And I don't even watch this show, so it would be no worries to me except for that image above. That one is a little more powerful, and not at all in a good way.

All Done
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The actual upper and lower scope didn't take long at all. They took all the biopsies they needed this time and told me about my innards. Some more medicines.

They gave me something to dry out my throat that hasn't worn off yet, but I'm otherwise fine. I finished FORGIVE ME, LEONARD PEACOCK and thought about how important it is for teens to have trusted adults in their lives, how the presence of that can make all the difference in eventual psychological scarring.

Last night right before bed I had this horrible fear something would go wrong and I would die during a routine outpatient surgery. It took me a while to stop the intrusive thoughts. I laid down on my daughter's bed and prayed I'd be able to at least shepherd her to adulthood. Then I started to cry from the anxiety and exhaustion and hunger and stimulative laxatives, and then she rolled over in her sleep and punched me in the head.

I'm waiting for them to come home with glow sticks for the holiday and my fears seem silly now, but they were so very real last night.

Colonoscopy Day

My plan worked. Slept until an hour before check-in. They are delighted with how long it's been since I had liquid. I'm delighted I got here before the appointment before me and got bumped up.

Thirsty.

Colonoscopy Day

Colonoscopy Prep: Day Zero
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You're supposed to eat protein before starting the all-liquid diet. Tonight we ate at the pool. I had a hot pretzel with cheese, part of the little angel's fries, kettle chips and some chardonnay.

Oops. Stay tuned. Yellow Jell-o is in the fridge.

What's the Point of the Game?
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My sister loaned me her boxed set of Battlestar Gallactica DVDs a while back, and I burned through all the seasons in record time. I just binged that show, I loved it so much. So many fascinating questions about humanity. While stumbling around the Internet, I discovered there is another series, although a much shorter one, called Caprica, which is set on Earth and shows how Cylons came to look like people. (There is a lot of other stuff that is not explained, unfortunately, but whatever.)

In the show, a guy played by Eric Stoltz invents a game called V-World. You get into V-World by putting on some whack glasses that remind me of the banana clip in Star Trek only these have lights. It's completely virtual there, and you can't die. If you get shot or stabbed, you de-res and you can't ever go back to V-World. You only get one life.

It's extremely dangerous in V-World, though. People play games of Russian roulette and carry machetes and guns and drive spaceships into buildings. Several characters ask how to win the game, and nobody seems to know. Most disturbing -- most people don't seem to care. They're just excited to fuck with as many people as possible while they're there. Maybe it's because they know they're not really killing someone. Maybe it's because the culture of the game is so violent. But these people shoot guns without even looking at what they're trying to hit.

At one point, one of the main characters asks another what the point of the game is. He doesn't know, either. The man who created the game didn't even give himself an extra life, and he doesn't really seem to understand any of it, either. I don't want to ruin the series for you if you want to watch it, so I won't go on any longer about the game or what happens there, but it occurred to me that I didn't like the scenes in V-World at all, because nobody seemed to care what happened there, if people got hurt, if people were sad. 

One of the things I struggle with most in modern America is accountability and the dissociative imagination at times brought out in certain people by the Internet. If V-World is to the Internet as Caprica is to the U.S. (it seems particularly the U.S., but that could be because I live here), then the people in V-World are physically acting out the racist tweets, ragey comments and hacking that goes on in real life on the Internet. 

While thinking about this yesterday, I had a flashback to ordering a sweater from the J. Crew catalog when I was in college and when I did not have access to The World Wide Web. I did not even have a cell phone, egads. I used the phone attached to the wall in my dorm room and called the 800 number and described the sweater and page number of the catalog to the woman who answered the phone. She was really nice, and we chatted for a while about what a cute sweater it was and whether I should get it a size too big as was the fashion at the time. I told her my credit card number (which was brand new, whee) and hung up. I had to be nice to her -- she was a person, after all, and we were having a conversation with our mouth-holes and everything. That level of personal interaction was pretty much everywhere. When ATMs came about, we were all overjoyed that we could get our money in $5 increments late at night to go to the bars, but also a little freaked out that something might go wrong and there was no person to help us sort it out.

Now we have to do almost everything ourselves. Book travel. Handle our banking. Shop without the aid of a salesperson. Scan and bag our groceries. (Although I think in the small town where I grew up, high school boys will still sack your groceries and carry them to your car for you. That is pretty rare outside of small towns, though.)

Somewhere in between convenience and alienation lies V-World. At some point in the loss of face-to-face or at least voice-to-voice interaction, some individuals morph into douchebags with no moral compass, no personal sense of accountability and pride that would stop them from hurting someone's feelings or even -- virtually -- their bodies, just for fun. Where on the continuum is the turning point? How do we insulate ourselves against the fuck-it point? How do we teach our kids to go on being accountable in a situation where accountability becomes counter-intuitive to the game?

What, indeed, is the point of the game? When did we stop saying "please" and "thank you"? Was it when we went from talking to the J. Crew person to chatting with her on the website? The whole Caprica thing freaked me out sufficiently that I'm going to be monitoring my behavior very closely. I'm very polite and welcoming in my neighborhood. I'm a nice neighbor. I watch people's cats when they go out of town and tell them when their garage door is open and keep an eye on their kids when they're in the cul-de-sac. I send thank you notes, paper ones, when people give me presents. I'm not a total douchebag online, but I could be nicer. Sometimes I think I will say "thank you" and then realize I'm talking to an autoresponder, and maybe that's a piece of it, too. Sometimes I don't even know if who I'm talking to is real or virtual. Does it make sense to be polite to Siri? Does taking her for granted translate directly into walking away from a gas station cashier without saying thanks for giving me directions? 

Where is the line in V-World? 

What is the point of the game?

Things That Are Not Fair
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I'm watching my husband spackle our kitchen ceiling. It's a new beginning for our kitchen, a new beginning five years in the making. But it comes on the heels of mass destruction just one state over in Oklahoma City, where tonight parents are wondering where their babies are.

It's not fair.

All I could think all afternoon is that it's not fair Chateau Travolta is still standing.

We had a tornado watch all day.

What leaves, what stays: It's not fair.

My daughter fears the tornados. She has trouble falling asleep in the midst of a heavy thunderstorm. I remember feeling that way as a child, living in a house my parents built on the footprint of another house destroyed in a tornado, as if the same thing couldn't happen twice.

Surrender, Dorothy.

But we live here, in the Midwest, in the land of extreme weather, of pop-up storms where the warm winds of the Gulf of Mexico kiss the winds of Canada on a fairly regular basis.

We live here, and we hope.

But whether or not our homes are torn asunder, there is one guarantee: It's not fair.

Tornadoes have shaped my faith. We all need grace, because in the land of dust storms and redemption, nothing is as it seems, and no amount of clean living can save you from the cold front meeting the warm front and dancing.

You may live another day, you may lose your house, you may lose everything. Or you may not. It's not fair, and it's not even predestined. It's just ... there.

And so, tonight, my heart breaks for Oklahoma City and its suburbs. I'm so sorry.

It's not fair.

And I love you all. I wish there were some way I could do more.