Yesterday I was in CVS picking up my prescription and a photo that I thought was going to make an awesome Father's Day gift but was just really disappointing instead. I was staring at it, wishing it were much cooler, when a man next to me noticed my Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirt. Following is the exchange between two people being inexplicably rude and only one of them realizing it.

Him: "You know what Iowa stands for?" 

Me: "Yes."

Him: (taken aback) "Uh, I suppose you've heard them all."

Me: "Yes, I spent my entire childhood there."

Him: (not getting it) "You know the best thing to come out of Iowa in the last ten years?"

Me: (allowing myself to stare openly with an incredulous expression on my face) 

Him: I-29!

Me: (continuing to stare as though his brain matter was actively leaking out his ears)

Him: (backpedaling) I hear it's really beautiful in Iowa.

Me: (knits brows in concern)

Him: My friend lives in Iowa. He really likes it there.

Me: (extends neck toward him in disbelief)

Me: (takes my daughter's hand protectively and walks away)

The End

---

The people who set up my mphoria store think it would be helpful if I pointed out things that I think are cool in there. I said sure, though there can be no pressure of any sort to buy anything. So I put that handy line up there, because you guys all know when things are below the line they are like commercial breaks, right? So anyway, I thought this keyboard duster with total volumized mermaid hair was cute.

On Monday night, I sat across the aisle from Gloria Steinem at a premiere of Jane Fonda's new movie with Catherine Keener, Peace, Love & Misunderstanding. I sat next to my BlogHer editor-in-chief, Stacy Morrison, who as usual was wearing shoes much more fabulous than mine. The whole thing was at the New York City Museum of Modern Art. 

What makes this even better is that I'm typing this from my normal office in Kansas City while wearing a running skort and a baseball hat.

When Stacy told me about the event, I immediately asked what I was supposed to wear. I worried about it briefly, then decided I would wear one of my Outfits by Goodwill -- a black Jones New York cocktail dress with satin trim and hot-pink, pointy-toed mules. I also wore the necklace my niece made that everyone thinks I paid millions of dollars for, when in actuality I think I slipped her $40.

We had a great time at the premiere and the afterparty, but when I got back to my hotel room, I realized the zipper that was too stuck for Stacy to pull it all the way up when we left was too stuck for me to pull down. AT ALL. And the dress was too well made to tear. I was completely trapped in Jones New York. I tugged and pulled, but considering that it was almost midnight and I was exhausted and I paid $6 for the dress in the first place, I concluded that two wearings -- a friend's wedding and GLORIA STEINEM -- was a fine ROI for $6. Since I was in a frickin' extended-stay hotel with no room service or maid service, there was a butcher knife handy. 

I should've photographed the knife. 

Blogging conference keynotes are like other keynotes until they aren't. The keynotes at BEA Bloggers Conference were hilarious. 

First up was Jennifer Weiner, who has been pumping out almost a novel a year for the past twelve or so years. She had a lot to say about the New York Times, chick lit (or really, do we have to call it that?) and the ups and downs of her writing career. I found her funny and approachable, especially when she told us to let her know if her bra showed while she was talking. And she was a salty girl, which is always entertaining if the person has a great sense of humor, which Jennifer does.

I didn't see the closing keynoter Jenny Lawson (also known as The Bloggess and oh, that debut author who has been sitting on the New York Times bestseller list for the past six weeks) until right before she took the podium. 

Me: Dude, you should know that Jennifer Weiner dropped six F-bombs and two "blow jobs" in her keynote.

Jenny: Really? Wow.

Me: Yeah. I think that's not the bar, that's the floor.

Jenny: Oh shit.

I wasn't too worried. Jenny, after all, said "lady garden" on CNN.

She ended up telling us the story of her ten-year overnight success and how her "mythical hobbit" showdown with Heather Armstrong (aka Dooce) (also an awesome person and friend with many books you should buy) at BlogHer 2008 ended up getting the attention of her now agent, Neeti Madan, with whom I served on a blogs to books panel at the same fated BlogHer conference -- a panel which apparently drove Jenny to drink. (I'm sorry, Jenny. Eek.) I didn't know Jenny back then but I, too, was fascinated and ended up reading her blog and became a huge fan shortly thereafter. The woman is so funny she can make me cry with one sentence. I'm not kidding. Go buy her book. The story turns out well because Heather and Jenny became friends, but as two extremely well known bloggers who now have to live their lives online, I feel for both of them. I applaud their success online and offline and believe them both to be talented writers who deserve every accolade. Those of us who are not extremely well known have no idea what it's like to have our actions critiqued publicly all the time. Following the evolution of the mythical hobbit reminded me HELLO BLOGGERS ARE PEOPLE and also? Don't analyze people in public. It's rude. I try very hard not to do that anymore. ANYMORE -- because I have done it in the past, and I truly regret it. /moral of the story

It was interesting to see two funny ladies -- one well into her career and one who's just slipped under the velvet rope into the world of Big Six publishing -- tell their versions of the journey to publishing success. Congratulations to both of them. I wish you guys could've been there. Also, Jenny and I spent Tuesday night in the same hotel only I didn't know it until I saw her the next day. Jenny started tweeting about it and managed to trend #WorstHotelEver. I walked in, feared bedbugs, walked around the street and bought a bottle of wine even though it was midnight. It is very easy to miss material, my good friends.

I have funny stories from my trip to Book Expo America to speak at its subconference, Book Bloggers Conference. However, as always happens when you return from a business trip at 10 pm during the work week, I'M DYING. So, tomorrow! In the meantime, please to enjoy some fuzzy, crappy pictures I took with my phone!

Horseless carriages. I SLAY ME!!!

Panel beginning to fill up -- it had great attendance, phew!

Book Blogger Convention co-founder Michelle Franz and my partner in bookish crime at BlogHer, Karen Ballum aka Sassymonkey.

Me, Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) and Karen Ballum (Sassymonkey)

There is so a story behind this.

Also, Ray Bradbury died today. My tribute to him is on BlogHer.

I'm getting ready to take off for New York City to speak at Book Bloggers Conference, which is part of Book Expo America. The opening keynote is author Jennifer Weiner, and the closing remarks -- wow, is the world small -- are by my friend Jenny Lawson, also known as The Bloggess.

My session is on monetizing book blogs. I'm excited to meet and talk shop with my fellow panelists.

So You Want to Make Money?

Syndication, Monetization and Affiliate Programs for your Blog

Moderator: Scott Fox, ClickMillionaires.com
Speaker: Rita Arens, Senior Editor, BlogHer.com
Speaker: Ron Hogan, Beatrice.com 
Speaker: Thea James, Co-Founder, The Book Smugglers
Speaker: Sarah Pitre, Blogger, Forever Young Adult 

Though it's making me sad to leave for two nights, I'm beyond excited to wade in the deep end of publishing for a while day and a half. I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET AND LIKE IT.

I'll be photoblogging hopefully while I'm there so I can take you with me. This is a huge conference for the publishing industry, and I have no idea what to expect.

BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS 

I can't do it. I can't do it! I can't buy my eight-year-old daughter a bikini. Or even a tankini. I do not want to see her exposed midriff!

I see other little girls at the pool wearing bikinis. They look cute. My mom friends let their girls wear bikinis and tankinis. I'm not judging.

But there we were in Target looking at the swimwear selection. She was begging for a bikini, and I kept looking at her and looking at the swimwear, and looking at her.

"Nope. Not happening," I said, and picked out eight super-cute one-piece swimsuits.

I'm that mom. The mom who won't let her girl wear heels even though Suri Cruise has changed little girls' footwear selections until she gets old enough to just have her Playboy cover and be done with it. I'm the mom who pulled her daughter out of a dance academy after seeing the nine-year-olds dressed like Katy Perry at the recital. The mom who won't let her daughter get even a tankini.

I told Beloved about my decision when I got home. He paled beneath his tan. "I can't take it," he said. "No way is she wearing a bikini."

At least I'm not the only prude parent in this house.

I wrote a post today for BlogHer admitting that I really can't stand being plugged in all the time -- so I'm not. I know many, many "normal" people who have no problem avoiding social media and email, but not too many people like me -- bloggers, people who work in new media. Am I the only one?

I have a confession to make: I have no problem unplugging. Hello, my name is Rita, I work on the Internet, and I frequently leave the house without my phone. There, I said it.

I started blogging in 2004 and remember vividly sitting next to Liz Gumbinner at the BlogHer Business '07 in New York City watching her use this crazy thing called Twitter on her new-fangled iPhone. I didn't really get immersed in Twitter until 2009 when I joined BlogHer and no longer had to hide my social media use when someone walked by. In fact, I had more of it than ever -- trying to keep up with Twitter, Facebook, internal IM, two e-mail accounts, my blog, everyone else's blog and BlogHer.com was something that took some getting used to. I started having those work dreams about being assigned to catalogue the Internet again, and that's when I knew I had to get a handle on it.

Read the rest on BlogHer.

My doctor told me I should do yoga for my upper back pain. She told me this on the same day that she gave me a referral to a surgeon and a gastro doctor. Me not really being the yoga type, I bought Jillian Michael's version. It's a half hour of teeth-gnashing, panting hell, and that is the beginner version. For someone who has been lifting weights for the past fifteen years, Jillian Michaels can be quite humbling.

I had to take about two weeks off from Jillian due to the incisions in my leg. Of all things exercise, I was most concerned yoga would actually stretch the areas so much it would cause problems, so I waited until it was way healed before I tried it again ... yesterday.

I did not realize you could lose muscle strength so damn fast. I took five days off after my surgery before walking a few miles. The minute my surgeon cleared me after ten days, I went back to weighted squats and all that jazz with The Firm. I didn't expect any problems from Jillian, other than you know, her being JILLIAN.

As I was attempting not to fall off my hands during the side planks, the little angel walked over to me. She sniffed and stared at the sweat rolling off my red face as I sucked in air like a vacuum cleaner.

"You know, Mommy," she said. "It's a choice to do that to yourself."

I started laughing so hard I did fall. Off my pride. Ouch.

I'm not going to go into details, people, don't worry. But many commenters mentioned having tummy problems often amped by anxiety, and I've had really bad tummy problems for the past several years. Two years ago, I got a colonoscopy and we never quite solved them (but at least I know I don't have Crohn's or celiac disease or colon cancer, at least I didn't two years ago). 

Around the time I told my primary care doctor about The Lump (cue DJ Nibbles!), I told her about my tummy problems and she sent me to another gastro doc. The man was wearing a full-on, two-piece, blue-and-white pinstriped seersucker suit. With a bright blue tie. He reminded me of Bert Cooper on Mad Men.

His suit looked like this, only imagine it on a man of about 50 with little round glasses.

The suit was so distracting I nearly couldn't describe my symptoms.

So as I told him, yes, this problem is worst in the morning and it happens right after I eat anything and yes, it's really interfering with my life. He listened and started spouting something I totally didn't understand about bile malabsorption, which is a totally nonthreatening and mostly annoying problem that happens when some bile doesn't get absorbed in the small intestine (natch) and goes shooting into the large intestine, where it is the equivalent of Mentos in Diet Coke.

Guess how they treat it? CHOLESTEROL PILLS! Of course!

Don't ask me. SCIENCE.

So I have these four huge horse pills that I take each day, and I can't take them at the same time as my other meds because of ABSORPTION, so now I have to go buy a BIGGER daily pill pack thing because I swear I can never remember if I took the blasted things or not and I don't want to be the writer who dies from cholesterol pill overdose. I haven't even published my damn novel yet.

But ... so far it's working. It's not a perfect solve yet, but I just went jogging without fear. And that, my friends, is worth seersucker any day. So if you're having chronic tummy problems, don't give up. It might be as simple as ABSORPTION.