[Editor's Note: This post originally appeared on BlogHer.com.]

Last Saturday, I packed my bag, drove to St. Louis and attended the young adult literature/anti-bullying Less Than Three Conference hosted by New York Times best-selling young adult author Heather Brewer.

I knew it would be interesting, but I didn't know it would be life-changing. The sessions ranged from cyber-bullying to self-bullying to school bullying to LGBTQ bullying and were led by young adult authors who had written novels discussing -- in some fashion -- bullying. By the end of the day, I learned every author up there had done what I myself have done: They wrote around the thing that hurt them.

A.S. King: "All bullying is embarrassing to the victim."

Heather Brewer gave the keynote address. "Fourth grade is the first time I remember wanting to die," she said, and the air in the room expanded in an instant. My daughter is in fourth grade. A little piece of my heart broke off and floated away imagining a fourth-grade Heather.

She told a story of trying to hang herself in her closet as a teen. When the bar broke, she didn't tell anyone, because she was unsupported at home and didn't have a friend -- not one friend -- until she was a freshman in high school. When she made that one friend, everyone said they were lesbians, because the only reason someone would hang out with her had to be sexual favors. Her teacher laughed at her the day someone wrote "LESBO" on her folder. She carried the folder all year to show it hadn't hurt her. She didn't care about being called a lesbian if she had a friend. All she wanted was a friend.

T.M. Goeglein: "Never think no matter what you say, it won't help -- if you have the chance to say something positive, do it."

Heather wasn't the only one. Every author had a story. They could remember the exact names of their bullies and see the faces of their bullies in their mind's eye. That these talented and successful people shared that shame drove home how universal the experience can be and how powerless anyone can feel at the hands of a bully.

Carrie Ryan: "The reason it gets better is that we make the choice to make it get better."

At the end of the day, I left St. Louis and drove back to Kansas City wondering how my life might have been different if I'd been one of those teens attending the panels, if I might not have fallen prey to anorexia, if I might have learned to love myself more and ignore the voices in my head telling me the rules were different for me. And I wondered if kids who bullied other kids in my high school might have thought twice if they'd heard Heather's story. "In every school, there is 'that kid,' and it is acceptable to pick on 'that kid,'" she said. "I was 'that kid.'" I remember several "that kids" I knew while growing up. I remember standing by. I remember joining in. I'm so ashamed to say that, but it's true. I never was a ringleader, but I was a follower of leaders. And really, there's no excuse for any of it. There are reasons but not excuses. By the time I was in high school, I knew better and I don't remember being mean, but by the second half of high school I was lost to the voices in my head forcing me to run bleachers and eat fewer than 800 calories a day even after it grew painful to sit and I grew fine hair all over my cheeks as my body tried to protect itself from my mind.

Ellen Hopkins: "You have to ask the person, "What is the reason behind self-harm?" Because there is always a reason."

Maybe I would've been different if I would've had the chance to hear successful adults talk about overcoming, surviving, moving forward. Maybe I would've been different if I'd had my nose stuck in Heather's story. "I'm in every school, and I'm usually quiet," she said. "Give me something to hold onto."

Give me something to hold onto.

Posts on Bullying

• Holli Long writes about being a safe person to talk to.

• Julie Ramanow writes about dealing with adult bullies in the workforce.

• Becoming Supermommy writes about being raped and abandoned in the snow at 14.

• Another Piece of Cake writes a thank-you note to her bullies.

Anti-Bullying Resources

• PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

• I Choose

• Project Anti-Bully

Cutting and Self-Harm Resources

• S.A.F.E. Alternatives (Self-Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-366-2288.

• Mind Infoline – Information on self-harm and a helpline to call in the UK at 0300 123 3393.

• Kids Helpline – A helpline for children and teens in Australia to call at 1800 55 1800.

• Kids Help Phone – A helpline for kids and teens in Canada to call for help with any issue, including cutting and self-injury. Call 1-800-668-6868.

Support for LGBTQ Teens

• National directory of Gay-Straight Alliance school organizations

• The Trevor Project

• Welcoming Schools

Eating Disorder Resources

• AED Academy for Eating Disorders

• EDA Eating Disorders Anonymous

• Eating Disorder Coalition for Research, Policy and Action

• Eating Disorder Foundation

Tonight I'm throwing my laptop, my manuscript notes and a few audiobooks in the car and heading over to St. Louis for the Less Than Three Conference. It's a conference put on by young adult author Heather Brewer, whom I met at the young adult track at RT Booklovers back in May. All the panels are put on by young adult authors and discuss various aspects of bullying that they've written about in their books. I'm excited to meet some of the authors I admire but have not yet met and also say hi to those with whom I've had the pleasure to shake hands. And of all the panels, I'm most excited about the one on bullying yourself -- which is, of course, where THE OBVIOUS GAME fits in.

After a long quiet period, I've had two emails this week from family members frustrated with their anorexic sibling or daughter. It's a relief at this point to have something solid to point to, to be able to say, here, read this, tell me if it helps. I hope it helps. I hope you can talk to each other after.

Growing up is really hard, but so is being grown up. What no one tells you is that for some people, high school never ends. Some people stay bullies permanently, stymied in their growth at tenth grade. Adulthood in many ways is finding the inner strength to surround yourself with people who lift you up instead of tearing you down. Learning not to listen to those who feel better about themselves by telling other people they are utter shit.

There is always someone who will tell you that you are shit. You can look at that fact as depressing or empowering. 

Adulthood for me has been about learning to stop bullying myself. I don't remember being bullied nor being a bully, except with myself. When I bully myself, that anger turns outward, too. That's what I tried to tell the people who emailed me this week. Please read the book. I know their pain is probably presenting as anger to you. It's hard to love someone who is in such pain they become nasty like an injured animal. It's not fair you should have to be the bigger person to love someone who is in pain. 

So I'm interested to see what this conference will be like. I'm excited to meet teen readers and see what they say in the sessions. I hope to come away with lots of ideas for new novels and feel inspired to turn back to the problems Meg struggles with in THE BIRTHRIGHT OF PARKER CLEAVES. I'll let you know how it goes, but I'm feeling more invigorated again. There might be a point, after all. 

Late yesterday afternoon, I wrote a reaction to a recent Rolling Stone article about a school district that enacted a policy unofficially called the "No Homo Promo." It was meant to bar teachers and administrators from discussing homosexuality at all in the schools. It resulted in teachers and administrators ignoring bullying, which led to a suicide cluster in the district.

Here's an excerpt:

More than anything, kids need to know they are lovable and that they can trust the adults in charge of their lives to look out for their best interests. They are deserving of respect and the protection of adults just by existing. They don't have to do anything to earn it. It is their right as children to be protected until they are old enough to protect themselves. We as a society agree on that -- we have adifferent court system for kids, we have laws about sex and abuse and child labor. We as a society agree children are different than adults.

It's long, but if you're interested, read the rest on BlogHer!

It seems I forgot to do this last month. Oops.

In December, I got a new job! At BlogHer! So I suspect most of my posts from now on will be showing you what I've been doing over there. However, as Cagey pointed out at Average Jane's cookie soiree, "You never link, then you just tell me about the post. I want to read it." This is a good point. I should link. I wrote about the Elf on the Shelf vs. Jesus this month. You might want to read it. (FYI: there is a little widget in my left sidebar that links to my work on BlogHer. But it doesn't catch everything else so I will keep doing this for myself mostly.)

In which I finally break into national print:

• Let's Get Together -- November 2009 issue of Scholastic Parent & Child

In which I judge others:

• Kid Suspended for Camping Utensils as Schools Are Forced to Parent -- I really hate it when schools have to take a hardline because they don't really know which kids are insane.
• Why Is Yelling a Parental Hot Button? -- I maintain that if I meant to yell? I meant to yell.
• Our Daughters' Hair Length: Let the Armchair Psychoanalysis Begin -- Why does everyone keep telling me how long my kid's hair should be or if she wears it up or down?

In which I judge myself:

• He Sees You When You're Sleeping: The Elf on the Shelf vs. Jesus -- I think the title pretty much sums it up.
• Has Swine Flu Created the Purell Period in History? -- I'm so ambivalent about magic goo.

In which I question society:

• Grandparents and Their Truckloads of Gifts -- Note to Ma and Beloved's mom: I'm not talking about you.
• Does Everybody Really Hate Mommy? -- Views from both sides of the stroller.
• When Does Bullying Stop and Start? -- I hope NEVER.

Community and citizen journalism projects at BlogHer:

• What the Heck is a Momspotter? -- I'm project editing a citizen journalism project at BlogHer, which I was doing before I got my new job. We're discussing parenting in a digital age. I think it's cool.
• We Want to See Your Holiday Hot Mess -- A photo contest at BlogHer where people post photos of their messy houses. Probably the most fun I've ever had at work. Go check out the entries.

Reviews:

• A is for Admission: The Insider's Guide to Getting into the Ivy League and Other Top Colleges -- not for the faint of heart
• The Double-Daring Book for Girls -- a must-have addition to The Daring Book for Girls
• Cat Ladies -- I loved it so much I made all my former co-workers watch it at the office.
• The Case for Make Believe: Saving Play in a Commercialized World -- solidified my resolve not to buy close-ended toys
• MedSafe -- hide your prescription drugs from your teens 
• Great Discoveries: Explorations That Changed History -- Time did a great job with this entertaining coffee book.
• SnapGifts -- Get your giftcard in .02 seconds, shipped next day

Enjoy your holiday week!